Sunday, April 14, 2013

a princess, a war, and a tower.

i have always had the idea that i was a princess in the tower
waiting to be rescued
by a knight in shining armor 
galloping on a steed 
bursting onto the scene
slaying dragons, you know, the works.

but when i started to think about it
who is to say that i have found my way to the tower?
that i have battled across the scorched desert?
and freezing mountains peeks?
that i have crossed brimstone and fire?
and have slayed my dragons?

how can i have my knight save me from a place that i haven't even found?
how can i be worthy of saving when i haven't even fought for myself? 

right now i am stuck somewhere between hot as hell deserts and vile brimstone.
and someone forget to mention in the manual that there are dragons all along the way.
breathing fire.
spitting venom.
trying to keep me from my castle.
from being told i am the fairest in all the land.
that i am worthy of being fought for.
and much to be loved.

for some reason this dragon i have been fighting is much bigger than expected. and much meaner than i could ever have imagined in my darkest nightmares. it's been beating me down. crushing me under it's large talons. scraping and bruising me. ripping me apart. limb by limb. i stopped lifting my hands to fight. because it's easier to curl up and wait for the darkness to take over.
wait for the pain to become a steady dull numb.
wait for it to be over.
to consume all that's left of me.
wait to finally.

but something i learned a long time ago came upon me.
like that first breath of air after being held under water too long. 
like my lungs were learning what air was for the first time.
i realized that i set out on this journey in a pair of flats and pool floaties. 
how on earth could i face battle when i have no armor? 
i have nothing protecting me except these weak hands and ever stumbling feet.

how could i have been so proud to think i can do this alone?
i am the farthest thing from a warrior.
i am weak.
i am faithless.
i am weary.
i am heavy-laden.
but surprisingly enough,
i have not been defeated.

because i am no longer walking this journey alone.
i never really was.
i have Someone who has been fighting with me all along.
through my rivers and over my mountains.
who wanted to step in front of me and help take the powerful blows crashing down on me.
but i wouldn't let Him.
i didn't need Him to help me with this.
this was mine, this monster, this journey.
it's too personal to invite Him into this arena.
He can handle everything else. 
all my other dragons.
all my other battles.
but this one, this one i could fight on my own.
or so i have been telling myself.

but i can't do it alone.
i can not do it.
i am too small for this big battle.
i have been david without his slingshot.
noah without his ark.
just throwing pebbles at this giant.
using my little floaties to help me from drowning.
but i need more than me.
more than all i have in all of my strength.
i need Him.
i need His armor. i need His sword. i need His shield. i need His breastplate. 
i need His place of rest. 
i need His help in this.
i need Him more than i need a victory. 
because i am so unable and so fragile.

i always thought the tower gig was about being rescued.
taken away from the castle.
away from the beasts.
but it's not about being rescued.
its about me fighting to earn my place upon that tower. 
and to be someone worth fighting for.

i thought that the desert and fire was for the knight to battle.
but it's not.
it's for me. 
it's my fire i have to smother.
it's my dragon i have to slay.
it's my tower i have to climb the steps up to.
i have to fight for myself.
to believe that i am worthy of the fight.
to know i am worthy of love.
worthy of happily ever after.

and when i complete the journey.
whenever that may be.
and i finally reach my tower
perched up high in the clouds.
i will be in a place of happiness.
with who i am. and who i use to be.
in a dwelling and deep love affair with the One who was wiping off my dirty knees.
and healing my broken bones all along the way.
i will be dancing and growing with the One who whispered lovely and beautiful into my deafened ears when the war got too loud.
i will be in a place where i can delight and be delighted in.
where i can rest.

i will be ready and worthy of being fought for.
because i, not alone, had won the war waged against me.
and found completion in the King who made me a princess worthy of a tower. 
i won't need someone to rescue me anymore.

because my knight wont have shining armor.
it will be rusted and cracked.
he will have his own wounds.
his own defeats.
and his own  victories.
when i was fighting against my demons,
he was in some other desert.
in some other place.
clinging on for dear life in his own avalanches and wars.
getting to a place where he knew his worth.
as a man.
as a son.
as a prince.
where he learned his steps didn't move forward unless he put each and every movement into the hands of the only One who could save him.

and when he finally reaches me.
in my precious tower.
i won't be sleeping.
i won't be surrounded by dwarfs.
i won't have ridiculously long hair.
or singing dishes and brooms.
but i will know i am loved.
and believe i am worthy.
i will stick out my hands.
and let him run his rugged fingers across my battle scars.
i can tell him i fought for my happiness, i fought to find love for myself in this broken world, i fought with the One who created and saved my soul, and i fought to give him a heart that he deserves. 

and he will show me his scars.
his broken bones.
his cracked ribs.
and tell me he fought for himself.
he fought for his Redeemer.
he fought for the right that one day he could love me the way a  princess deserves.

and we will leave that tower behind.
for a new path.
a new journey.
a new Kingdom to strive for.
with my heart full
and my heart complete.
we will set out on the journey.
the three of us.
there will be more harsh climates.
and beasts to defeat.
but i wont be alone.

because i never really was. 

Sunday, January 6, 2013

dear body

i saw something online about this and though i feel silly, i feel its necessary for us. for us to move on from here. what i found said to write a letter to someone you've wronged. it can be a family member, a friend, or even an enemy. you don't have to give it to them. you can tuck it away in a dresser drawer somewhere. you can light a match and watch it burn til it's nothing but a pile of dust. or you can roll it up, put it in a glass bottle, and let it wash away into the sea. whichever way you decide to go the words you've been holding onto in your heart for so long will finally be out in the open. you will rid them from bouncing around the confines of your chest. you will finally be free of the pain that's been building.

so here is goes.

dear body,

i know we've had our ups and downs. to be honest, mostly we've had our downs. i have hated you, humiliated you, and tortured you. i've always wished you were something you are not and never once taken the time to appreciate anything you've done for me. i constantly focus on all your faults and never once thanked you for the good you've done. i am a hypocrite like that. i wish people wouldn't judge me for the way you look but all i do is constantly bash you for looking the way you do. i am your worst enemy. i should have stood up for you when someone would call you a name. i shouldn't have whispered venom into your skin every single time i looked at you in the mirror. i shouldn't have gone to extremes to try to change you. i shouldn't have gorged myself then purged myself. i should have tried to find ways to love you through all of the bad i saw. how can i expect people to see me for who i really am when all i am is a monster to myself? i have been evil, dangerous, and malicious to you. and i am so sorry for that. i wish there was something else i could offer but there is nothing i have left to give. just three words. i. am. sorry. i am sorry for so many things. but mostly i am sorry for hating you. for poking you. picking at you. pushing you. for never taking care of you. for never once being thankful that you are the reason i can wake up in the morning. that you are the reason i can get over sicknesses. that you are the reason my legs move one after another. i am sorry i have only focused on hating one part of you when there is so much more to you that i never took time to be appreciative of. i know we have a long journey ahead of us. and i can't promise i will always be good to you. but i can promise that i will try to be better. that i will try to love you. and i will try not to hurt you anymore. i want this new year to be a year of change. a heart change. a love change. a take care of us both change. and i hope i can give back to you the way you've always given to me.

i am sorry for the past.
but im hopeful for the future.