a little honesty served with a side of shame.

i can feel it coming on the horizon. this foggy, cloudy, mess of depression and weirdness starting to burn away into the afternoon. i have been nothing short of a hot mess these past few months and to all of those in my life who have been effected by my sour mood. i apologize.

this post is very hard for me to write because it is admitting a lot of things i haven't been willing to admit. even to myself. i have started writing then erased this three times already but the whole point of this blog was for me to get the truth out there and hold myself accountable.

so...

to be honest. i am exhausted. i am hungry. i am drained. and i am spent.

i knew i was going to be struggling a lot with the coming holidays and the hibernation months but i had no idea how bad it would be. i have been downright depressed and nothing has seemed to make a difference. there have been multiple stages i have been going through. some worse then others. but i just wanted to let you in on whats been going on in my mind since i haven't written in a while.

first. the butthole stage. yep, i said butthole. because i have been one in the meanest way. i am normally a really happy and nice person but these past few months i have been so mean. especially to the people i love most. i think the anger and exhaustion of being mad at myself got to the point where it started pouring out and reaching everyone in my life. i couldn't hold it in no matter how hard i tried. with this stage also came the anger. woo the anger was a little out of control. the road rage. the unexpected burst of hatred that came from no where. i don't exactly know why i have been so angry but i think its easier to be angry at the world then deal with being angry at myself.

next was the overeating. and bad. literally anything and everything i could eat i would. even things i didn't like. i actually was so hungry that i ate something i was allergic to and spent the next few hours in the fetal position holding my stomach in agony and throwing up. i would eat to the point where it hurt to sit up or when i finished i would be so full i actually got dizzy and nauseated. but for some reason i couldn't stop my hand from going to my mouth. about four or five of the nights during these weeks i would get rid of the food in destructive ways which would in turn make me feel worse. get angry. get upset. then eat some more. it literally is the worst cycle ever.  it is so unbelievably hard to recognize that you are even eating sometimes and sometimes i would be in a weird black-out state where i didn't even know i was in the middle of a binge.

the last stage, the stage i am in now, is the sleep phase. i have been averaging more that 70% of my day sleeping. i sleep til 11:30am. wake up for 20 minutes. sleep til 3:30pm. wake up for an hour and shower. go back to sleep til around 7 or 8pm. then i wake up for a few hours and eat for the first time in the day. then lay back down in bed until i fall asleep and do it all over again. my logic behind this is that if i am sleeping. im not eating. sometimes i wake up in a dead sleep with horrible hunger pains but usually within a few hours it goes away. to me i feel like i am protecting myself because im not overeating and binging but i know that it is not healthy for me to do this physically or mentally. sleeping makes the day more manageable because im not thinking but in turn this has caused me to be very, very anxious and out of touch.

i don't have an end to this post because i am still in the heat of the battle. but the good thing is i am starting to feel normal again and more like myself. which is something i haven't felt in what feels like eternity. mostly i am looking forward to the new year and a new beginning. but i still have fifteen days to go and i am hoping and praying to feel like myself again sooner rather than later.

12.10.11.

i first want to apologize for it being so long since i have written a post in here. this blog is on my mind daily and i have tried to write but that was the problem. i was trying. it wasn't just happening. so, i decided to wait to write until i felt like i was ready.

these past couple of weeks have been nothing short of a nightmare. i have been overwhelmed, depressed, and all sorts of moody. a huge contribution could be finals and my finances but a lot had to do with what is going on inside of me.

its almost impossible for me to try to put into words what i have been feeling. but all i can share is this song.

"and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
and i don't want the world to see me
'cause i don't think that they'd understand

when every thing's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am"