relationsinkingships

relationships.

to begin to even start talking about relationships would require a whole entire blog dedicated to the subject alone.  but don't worry. i am not writing this post to talk about mushy gushy romance. i am writing to talk about the lack of it in my life.

for as long as i have been attracted to the opposite sex it has never gone well for me. i tend to fall for the bad boys, the rebels, the ones with serious problems, and the guys who generally don't give a crap about anything. especially, me. but the reason why i fall for these guys isn't because their hard exterior is tantalizing. its because somehow they seek me, the vulnerable, out like a prey and capture me when when i least expect it. i fall victim to their charming manipulative ways.

i have been told by dozens of people i should write a book about my ridiculous and sometimes humorous endeavors with men and who knows; maybe one day i will. there are way too many to list and even more to painful to talk about. but this post isn't to talk or bash then men who have come in and out of my life.

its to talk about me.

see, the problem with me is i think when a guy treats me badly i deserve it. i attribute it to my low self esteem and the fact that i never thought i was good enough or pretty enough for a guy who would actually appreciate me. i have had a guy break up with me because he said he "settled for me" and when i asked him what he meant he simply looked me up and down and made a disgusted face. and yes it hurt. it damn well crushed me. i cried for days in the fetal position in my bed (and sadly didn't shower...it wasn't pretty). but all the while i thought i was getting what i deserved. that somehow i deserved to be crushed for attempting to find a relationship because who are we kidding...who would ever want to date a girl like me?

i have never had an "official relationship" or anything resembling a normal one at that. i have always wanted it to be easy. boy meets girl. boy likes girl. boy goes after girl. boy falls for girl. boy makes girl his girlfriend. so, so simple. with me its never been that way. because boy has always been ashamed of this girl. i have never had a guy want to make me his official girlfriend for the world to know. no, we had to date in secrecy because his mom wouldn't "allow it" although in reality the only reason why is because he was embarrassed of me. it took me almost 10 months to figure that out. and that's not the first time. i have had guys want to be around me or call me only when they are drunk. guys who like me just because i was always there. guys who came after me and pretended to like me just to challenge my purity. and guys pretend to like me just to get closer to my friends. no guy has ever seen me and thought, "wow, i must be with her."

all i have ever wanted was to walk in public and hold hands. literally. when i see couples with linked arms, holding hands, or with their arms around each other something hurting inside of me starts screaming why? why cant i have that? don't i deserve to be shown around? don't i deserve to not be hidden due to embarrassment?

and i now know that the answer is YES.

yes i deserve to be something that is fought for and cherished. to not be ashamed of. i deserve to be kissed in public. to be taken on a date. i deserve to have a man who actually cares about me be in my life and not use me for his own personal gain. i deserve to be treated and adored like a princess. like something special.

because i am something special. and all those other men who have come in and out of my life and tore up my insides never saw that. but you know what? that's okay. because they don't deserve to see me for who i am and to get to spend time with me.

because i am special. i am unique. and yes, i am flawed. but that doesn't change the fact that i deserve a romance and love that is not perverted by selfishness and false ideas of beauty.

and i am not blind. i know how men view women. especially me. i know i am a big girl. i know i have a big nose and forehead. i know that when i laugh and talk i don't do it pretty and gracefully. i know that my hair is messy more than its put together and that i am not the kind of girl most guys would pick out of the crowd.

but i also know that i don't deserve to be treated the way i have been. i don't deserve to have guys play with my emotions constantly and use me when its convenient for them. i deserve a romance like nicholas sparks writes. like in the notebook. to have a man want to be around me so much that he would literally jump onto a moving ferris wheel to ask me out. i deserve to have a guy make me a telescope and to name a star after me because he knows what i care about. or to have a man help me with the things on my life list. i deserve a man who will love me all through his time in war and fight to get me back when the pain is too unbearable.

i deserve this.

and i deserve all those things despite all the reasons i have told myself i don't.

and i know all these things. i really do. now its time to start believing them and put them into effect in my life. its not gonna be easy. im gonna have to say no and protect myself. i am going to cry, scream, and fight but in the end its all i can do to keep my heart together. because this heavy heart cannot bear many more burdens or hurts until it finally falls apart.