in my skin

i always feel like im fitting too tightly. that im just barely meeting the weight requirements. you must be this weight to be comfortable in life. when i get on an elevator i pray that another bigger person doesn't get on because we will all go down. we maxed out the limit. 

i maxed out the limit.

but mostly im always feeling too big. like when mario gets one of those magical mushrooms and sizes up. but unfortunately there is nothing magical about my large body. and unlike mario i don't get to shrink back down after a while.

i am always in the way. in the hallway. in the kitchen. in the aisle at the grocery store. in every room i go in. im always blocking the road like a giant boulder. can someone grab a bulldozer and get her out of the way please?

and to be honest i cant breath. i squeeze into tiny plane seats and pray my seat belt clicks. or like the time i got asked to get off a roller coaster because the harness wouldn't snap shut. the walk of shame i had to take past girls from school giggling because i was too big. the pain and humiliation pressed on me harder than that harness ever did. and my clothes. they hug and grasp me in all the wrong places and i count down the minutes til i can get home and take off the sucker-inners and spanx. all of those things that hold me in throughout the day and melt onto my skin. all of the things that make me take short and shallow breaths. and all of the money poured into objects that make me feel just a tiny bit smaller. 

but i realized that no matter what i always feel too big for my own skin. despite the spanx and "look instantly slimmer" clothing. looking at myself undressed is like looking at a distorted image. things are shifted and changed and not where they are suppose to be. i feel like ive reached my limit and maxed out my living space within the confines of my skin.

i wish i could bulldoze it down and build from the ground up. lay a smaller foundation and fill the rooms with less stuff. less garbage. but it doesn't work that way unfortunately. its not something you can just start all over.

my wish is to take up less room. to fill less of a chair. to sit comfortably in a restaurant booth. to not be terrified of the middle seat on a plane. the constant worries and planning makes my head spin. everything is mapped out and every possible problem is analyzed and stressed on before it ever has a chance to happen.

i want to fill up space with life not body. i want to command the attention of a room with jokes and laughter not murmurs of, "have you seen her recently"'s. but most of all i want to fit comfortably in my own skin. like it is a custom gown that was designed just for me. i want to dance in it all night, run my hands across its silky frame, and love everything about it. i want to fit in it perfectly. and like a gown...i want to feel beautiful in it. a beauty that seeps in through tiny little pores and makes you smile because you are just so damn happy.

i don't want to be too big.
i don't want to feel like everything is too tight.
i don't want to feel like a stranger in someone else's skin.
i want to be like mama bears chair in goldie locks.
i want to be just the right size.

perfect.

"What is it about different that makes us think it's not perfect? We set the bar higher and higher and once we reach it, this perfection, what have we achieved? It's never enough...The concept of perfection is not flawless or ripped from a magazine. It's happiness. Happiness with all its messiness and not-quite-thereness. Its knowing that life is short and the moments we choose to fill our cups up with should be purposeful and rich. That we should be present for life. That we should drink deeply. That's perfection."

-Kelle Hampton

i need your help.

i have talked a lot on the subject of beauty throughout one size fits most. ive shared my struggles with self esteem and never feeling like i was quite pretty enough. i talked about times when i felt completely beautiful and other times when i absolutely hated everything about myself. i realized recently though that the way i see beauty is completely different than the way others see beauty. and it got me thinking about how each and every person defines beauty.

so i decided to ask:
how do you define beauty?
or when do you feel the most beautiful?

for girls: is it a feeling? something you can create? is it a certain outfit you wear? or the way that someone looks at you?

for guys: is it the way a woman carries herself? is it all physical? is it different for each woman?

you tell me.
comment on the blog.
message me on facebook.
send me an email.

tell me what makes you feel the most radiantly beautiful. or what makes a woman beautiful to you.

i am excited to see what you all think.
<3

new life. old me.

one thing i told myself i wanted to do when i moved to florida was be a new person. i wanted to leave the insecurities, struggles, and haunting past in the dust and never look back. last summer when i visited i really loved the freedom of not knowing anyone here. i didn't worry about wearing make up all the time or about the way my hair looked. i wore goofy sun hats and was more concerned with the sun on my skin than whatever clothes i was wearing. i promised myself it would be like that again. this new life would be different. 

but unfortunately, i haven't been upholding my self made promise. i have found myself fidgeting with my hair so much that one of my friends literally yells at me to stop. it takes me too long to decide what to wear and whenever i do make a decision i spend the remainder of the evening pulling and fixing and trying to make myself look good. i stress and over analyze everything.

but why?
why is this time different?

i have been here the same time length as i was last summer but this time it seemed to be harder. i have been asking myself this question since i got here and i think i might finally know why.

this was suppose to be my new life. and i was suppose to be new too. now don't get me wrong. i wasn't under the illusion that as soon as i moved here pounds would fall off of me and my body would magically transform into something beautiful. but i was hoping i would be different. that i would be able to let go of all that garbage i cling to for reassurance in my self disgust. that i would finally get better or whatever that means. that i could let go and live my life not plagued by doubt and insecurity. 

it has been hard this time around because i have started to make friends and people have gotten to know me. the real me. not the better version i was hoping to have finished by the time i settled in.

kate 2.0.  

i guess in all reality i just really want to be liked. i know that sounds so petty and childish but it's true. i want people to really see me and like me. i want to be the kind of person people want to be friends with. i want to be pretty. put together. i want to seem like i have it all figured out.

but i don't. 

im not put together. im flawed. cracked. broken. imperfect.

and i don't have it all figured out. heck, i haven't even figured myself out yet.

but i am starting to think that that's all okay. because i've met new people since i moved here and for some strange reason they do like me despite my grocery list of flaws. 

im not sure who i will become or what will be my story as time goes on out here. but i have hope that it will be something farther away from where i am now. a baby step in the right direction is still a step away from where i am now. and every day i make a move is a day i am closer to happiness. i can't leave who i was in the past and expect to become brand new. that would mean every struggle i have gone through and all of the progress i made was for nothing.

i know i'll become the woman i want to be one day.
 she just needs a little more time to get ready.