a princess, a war, and a tower.

i have always had the idea that i was a princess in the tower
waiting to be rescued
by a knight in shining armor 
galloping on a steed 
bursting onto the scene
slaying dragons, you know, the works.

but when i started to think about it
who is to say that i have found my way to the tower?
that i have battled across the scorched desert?
and freezing mountains peeks?
that i have crossed brimstone and fire?
and have slayed my dragons?

how can i have my knight save me from a place that i haven't even found?
how can i be worthy of saving when i haven't even fought for myself? 

right now i am stuck somewhere between hot as hell deserts and vile brimstone.
and someone forget to mention in the manual that there are dragons all along the way.
breathing fire.
spitting venom.
trying to keep me from my castle.
from being told i am the fairest in all the land.
that i am worthy of being fought for.
and much to be loved.

for some reason this dragon i have been fighting is much bigger than expected. and much meaner than i could ever have imagined in my darkest nightmares. it's been beating me down. crushing me under it's large talons. scraping and bruising me. ripping me apart. limb by limb. i stopped lifting my hands to fight. because it's easier to curl up and wait for the darkness to take over.
wait for the pain to become a steady dull numb.
wait for it to be over.
to consume all that's left of me.
wait to finally.
just.
die.

but something i learned a long time ago came upon me.
like that first breath of air after being held under water too long. 
like my lungs were learning what air was for the first time.
i realized that i set out on this journey in a pair of flats and pool floaties. 
how on earth could i face battle when i have no armor? 
i have nothing protecting me except these weak hands and ever stumbling feet.

how could i have been so proud to think i can do this alone?
i am the farthest thing from a warrior.
i am weak.
i am faithless.
i am weary.
i am heavy-laden.
but surprisingly enough,
i have not been defeated.

because i am no longer walking this journey alone.
i never really was.
i have Someone who has been fighting with me all along.
through my rivers and over my mountains.
who wanted to step in front of me and help take the powerful blows crashing down on me.
but i wouldn't let Him.
i didn't need Him to help me with this.
this was mine, this monster, this journey.
it's too personal to invite Him into this arena.
He can handle everything else. 
all my other dragons.
all my other battles.
but this one, this one i could fight on my own.
or so i have been telling myself.

but i can't do it alone.
i can not do it.
i am too small for this big battle.
i have been david without his slingshot.
noah without his ark.
just throwing pebbles at this giant.
using my little floaties to help me from drowning.
but i need more than me.
more than all i have in all of my strength.
i need Him.
i need His armor. i need His sword. i need His shield. i need His breastplate. 
i need His place of rest. 
i need His help in this.
i need Him more than i need a victory. 
because i am so unable and so fragile.

i always thought the tower gig was about being rescued.
taken away from the castle.
away from the beasts.
but it's not about being rescued.
its about me fighting to earn my place upon that tower. 
and to be someone worth fighting for.

i thought that the desert and fire was for the knight to battle.
but it's not.
it's for me. 
it's my fire i have to smother.
it's my dragon i have to slay.
it's my tower i have to climb the steps up to.
i have to fight for myself.
to believe that i am worthy of the fight.
to know i am worthy of love.
worthy of happily ever after.

and when i complete the journey.
whenever that may be.
and i finally reach my tower
perched up high in the clouds.
i will be in a place of happiness.
with who i am. and who i use to be.
in a dwelling and deep love affair with the One who was wiping off my dirty knees.
and healing my broken bones all along the way.
i will be dancing and growing with the One who whispered lovely and beautiful into my deafened ears when the war got too loud.
i will be in a place where i can delight and be delighted in.
where i can rest.

i will be ready and worthy of being fought for.
because i, not alone, had won the war waged against me.
and found completion in the King who made me a princess worthy of a tower. 
i won't need someone to rescue me anymore.

because my knight wont have shining armor.
it will be rusted and cracked.
he will have his own wounds.
his own defeats.
and his own  victories.
when i was fighting against my demons,
he was in some other desert.
in some other place.
clinging on for dear life in his own avalanches and wars.
getting to a place where he knew his worth.
as a man.
as a son.
as a prince.
where he learned his steps didn't move forward unless he put each and every movement into the hands of the only One who could save him.

and when he finally reaches me.
in my precious tower.
i won't be sleeping.
i won't be surrounded by dwarfs.
i won't have ridiculously long hair.
or singing dishes and brooms.
but i will know i am loved.
and believe i am worthy.
i will stick out my hands.
and let him run his rugged fingers across my battle scars.
i can tell him i fought for my happiness, i fought to find love for myself in this broken world, i fought with the One who created and saved my soul, and i fought to give him a heart that he deserves. 

and he will show me his scars.
his broken bones.
his cracked ribs.
and tell me he fought for himself.
he fought for his Redeemer.
he fought for the right that one day he could love me the way a  princess deserves.

and we will leave that tower behind.
for a new path.
a new journey.
a new Kingdom to strive for.
with my heart full
and my heart complete.
we will set out on the journey.
the three of us.
there will be more harsh climates.
and beasts to defeat.
but i wont be alone.

because i never really was. 

dear kate,

ive missed you. god, ive missed you terribly. i convinced myself that you weren't gone but once i took the time to stop and look you were no where to be found. ive been keeping myself busy to not have to miss you. i numb the hurt with constant plans and meaningless technology because i don't want to think about you anymore.

but i do. and i cant hide it anymore.

i miss you smiling throughout the day because you feel pretty when the sunlight is shining on your skin or when your favorite song comes on the radio that you aren't afraid to sing it loud. i miss you writing down your thoughts on napkins and on the back of old receipts because you are afraid the moment will pass and that thought will be gone forever. i miss how you use to long for the ocean. that sandy, salty water could always mend any wound and that the smell of trees reminds you of a time when you were invincible. i miss that you weren't afraid to live or to cry or to feel. that you were carefree. 

that you were free. 

i miss all the things that use to make you you.
because you aren't her anymore.
you're gone.

when i close my eyes and breath deep and slow i can remember a time when you were happy. when i felt like everything was going to work out. when i knew deep in my heart it was all going to be okay. i honestly don't know what happened. maybe i stopped trying. maybe i should have fought harder. maybe i got too consumed with all the bad that i forgot about all the good. the good. ahh i use to believe there was so much good in you. but i let others convince me otherwise. im so sorry i didn't believe in you enough to tell them they are wrong. i know they are wrong but why cant i say it? why cant i truly believe it? 

i wish i was stronger. for you. but im trying. im trying to remember that smile. remember how it felt to feel beautiful. trying to long for the things that use to make my heart alive. i want you back. i want me back. i don't want to be a shell of the girl i use to be. i want to be the beating heart girl i am meant to be. 

i want to be happy and look in the mirror and say, "it is good."
i want to smile just because i can't help it.
i don't want to miss the girl i use to be anymore because i finally found her again. 

i want to be better.

i want to be stronger.

i want to be me again.

i want to be carefree.

i want to be free.

in my skin

i always feel like im fitting too tightly. that im just barely meeting the weight requirements. you must be this weight to be comfortable in life. when i get on an elevator i pray that another bigger person doesn't get on because we will all go down. we maxed out the limit. 

i maxed out the limit.

but mostly im always feeling too big. like when mario gets one of those magical mushrooms and sizes up. but unfortunately there is nothing magical about my large body. and unlike mario i don't get to shrink back down after a while.

i am always in the way. in the hallway. in the kitchen. in the aisle at the grocery store. in every room i go in. im always blocking the road like a giant boulder. can someone grab a bulldozer and get her out of the way please?

and to be honest i cant breath. i squeeze into tiny plane seats and pray my seat belt clicks. or like the time i got asked to get off a roller coaster because the harness wouldn't snap shut. the walk of shame i had to take past girls from school giggling because i was too big. the pain and humiliation pressed on me harder than that harness ever did. and my clothes. they hug and grasp me in all the wrong places and i count down the minutes til i can get home and take off the sucker-inners and spanx. all of those things that hold me in throughout the day and melt onto my skin. all of the things that make me take short and shallow breaths. and all of the money poured into objects that make me feel just a tiny bit smaller. 

but i realized that no matter what i always feel too big for my own skin. despite the spanx and "look instantly slimmer" clothing. looking at myself undressed is like looking at a distorted image. things are shifted and changed and not where they are suppose to be. i feel like ive reached my limit and maxed out my living space within the confines of my skin.

i wish i could bulldoze it down and build from the ground up. lay a smaller foundation and fill the rooms with less stuff. less garbage. but it doesn't work that way unfortunately. its not something you can just start all over.

my wish is to take up less room. to fill less of a chair. to sit comfortably in a restaurant booth. to not be terrified of the middle seat on a plane. the constant worries and planning makes my head spin. everything is mapped out and every possible problem is analyzed and stressed on before it ever has a chance to happen.

i want to fill up space with life not body. i want to command the attention of a room with jokes and laughter not murmurs of, "have you seen her recently"'s. but most of all i want to fit comfortably in my own skin. like it is a custom gown that was designed just for me. i want to dance in it all night, run my hands across its silky frame, and love everything about it. i want to fit in it perfectly. and like a gown...i want to feel beautiful in it. a beauty that seeps in through tiny little pores and makes you smile because you are just so damn happy.

i don't want to be too big.
i don't want to feel like everything is too tight.
i don't want to feel like a stranger in someone else's skin.
i want to be like mama bears chair in goldie locks.
i want to be just the right size.

perfect.

"What is it about different that makes us think it's not perfect? We set the bar higher and higher and once we reach it, this perfection, what have we achieved? It's never enough...The concept of perfection is not flawless or ripped from a magazine. It's happiness. Happiness with all its messiness and not-quite-thereness. Its knowing that life is short and the moments we choose to fill our cups up with should be purposeful and rich. That we should be present for life. That we should drink deeply. That's perfection."

-Kelle Hampton

no pity party here.

last weekend i celebrated my friend joes 21st birthday in style. being the last one out of our group to turn 21 we all decided it would be fun to go all out. so, we got a party bus. and let me tell you. it was SO much fun! about twenty of us piled in the fancy party bus complete with an ice filled bar, complimentary champagne, and a booming stereo. we laughed, we joked, and had an amazing time. all in all it was probably one of the most fun nights i have had in my whole life. i feel blessed to have friends to spend quality time with and the opportunities to do an awesome thing like we did.

and in truth. i had a blast. which was something that i wasn't sure i was going to have. see, i was one out of the only five girls on the bus and the rest were guys. a few of which i kinda have crushes on. and i was worried that i would be worried when i was on the bus. the other girls i hang out with are gorgeous, thin, and the guys drool all over them. i got really anxious, started fussing, and got a little moody to be honest. but the weird thing was once i was on the bus all of my insecurities were gone.

sure i had a little liquid courage to keep me motivated but the WHOLE NIGHT i didn't once think a negative thought about myself. i wasn't aware until the next day that i was the biggest girl on the bus and that my bangs got sweaty and fell out of my bobby pin. i didn't stress out that my makeup was virtually smudged across my whole face and that my tight curls lost shape and zig zagged in every which way. i didn't think about any of that. in all honesty i wasn't really thinking about what i looked like at all. and when i went to the bathroom i didn't allow myself to look in the mirror. and for the first time in years i wore a skirt without dark tights or leggings to cover my legs up. i rocked a tank top and skirt and owned it like it was the easiest thing in the world even though it was absolutely terrifying.

a few days later when i saw pictures from the evening i had a mini heart attack when i saw how awful, gross, and ugly i really looked but for some reason it didn't linger and bother me for days after like it normally would have. i was so carefree that night that no picture with 23847 double chins could take that away from me.

because in that moment. in that entire evening i was me. i was confident. i was HAPPY. and even though writing this now it feels artificial it wasn't that night. i was genuinely happy with myself. and i know that  its a step in the right direction. even if its a little baby step.

thats the birthday boy himself mister joe :)

my partner in crime and me on the bus. i wouldnt have made it that night without her.

me and tim. probably one of the nicest guys i know :)

some of the group <3

natural kind of beauty.

every since i was younger i remember being told that guys like all natural girls. that there is something simple yet beautiful about them. that they are elegant. timeless.

but when i look at the kind of girls that most guys go for, there definitely seems to be a huge lack in all natural and a big heap of dark makeup, perfectly fixed hair, and clothes that look like they were painted on. i thought all the people who told me that natural girls were pretty were just trying to make me feel better and would lie when they said i looked beautiful without makeup.

and i definitely don't think there is anything wrong with girls who dress up and make themselves look good. but as a young high school girl who never wore much make up and had an awful widows peek and down the middle parted hair i was constantly in conflict. because the girls who caked on makeup and wore revealing clothes got the boyfriends. and i knew that that wasn't the type of attention i wanted but i got to the point where i need SOME attention. even if it was bad. i wanted to have a guy fall for me in my all natural state like i had been promised would happen. but i realized that would never happen. so i got bangs, straightened my poofy, frizzy, wavy locks, wore dark make up, and tried to dress more feminine and revealing. and it worked. i got attention. and just as i thought it definitely was not the good kind. but i thought if a guy was attracted to me in any way it was better than not having any at all. but i wasn't myself and i didn't feel comfortable. so after a couple horrible run ins and a few years i decided i would stick with my tshirts and cardigans, lost the purple and teal eye shadow and replaced it with more natural colors, and started wearing my hair in its wavy, crazy, wild natural state.

and don't get me wrong. i still absolutely love to get dressed up, have sultry makeup, and feel like i am attending a red carpet premiere. as i have gotten older its something i look forward to and enjoy. nothing can make me feel more feminine than having curled hair, long eye lashes, and a pair of heels on. and when guys stop and look at me for a brief moment when i walk into a room wearing a little black dress and bright red lipstick i feel like a movie star. 

but for me its the time after that i feel the prettiest. actually, when i feel almost beautiful. when the sucker-inners are on the floor and the heels are replaced with buzz lightyear socks. when my make up is still on but a little smudged, my curls have loosened and fallen, and i slip into my favorite pair of sweatpants and old ratty band tshirt. because that is me. that's the girl i long to be everyday. the girl i want to show the world. the girl who isn't afraid to be seen undone or incomplete. the girl who use to get scolded every holiday for taking off her pretty christmas shoes the moment she walked in the door to run around the backyard barefoot. the girl who has hair that curls and flips and waves all over the place and the girl who washes off her make up the moment she walks in the door. the girl who hates jeans, shoes, and bras and wishes sometimes she was born in the 60's so she could be a hippy and not have to wear clothes. the girl she is when no one else is looking.

and she is the girl i love being. the relaxed girl after the party and festivities are over. and i realized recently that i am the happiest when i am her. when i allow myself to strip down to the basics and just be comfortable (which is something i completely forgot about.) and of course i feel pretty when i dress up but the whole time i am picking and pulling and stretching and fixing. but when i crawl into my bed after a long night out i can breathe easy (probably because im not wearing spanx anymore) and know i am the most natural me i can ever be.

and maybe they were right all along. maybe guys do like girls when they are in their natural state. because when i am all kate and all natural i feel beautiful. and when you feel beauty, you create beauty. and that isn't something that a little black dress or make up can fake. that something that only comes from being yourself.

so tonight i am going to dress up as pretty as i can for my friends birthday party. i am gonna squeeze myself into a pair of spanx and i am gonna worry too much about how my hair looks all night. my feet will hurt, my thighs will rub, and my make up will run. but when the nights over and all the boys have gone and i am finally alone i will slip on my old senior sweats from high school and my favorite old vw bus tshirt and i will smile to myself. because i can finally be myself. and i can feel beautiful for the first time all night.

hearts song

i was so unique
now i feel skin deep
i count on the make up to cover it all
crying myself to sleep cause i cannot keep their attention 
i thought i could be strong
but it's killing me

does someone hear my cry?
i'm dying for new life

i want to be beautiful
make you stand in awe
look inside my heart,
and be amazed
i want to hear you say
who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love
and beautiful

sometimes i wish i was someone other than me
fighting to make the mirror happy
trying to find whatever is missing
won't you help me back to glory

i want to be beautiful
 make you stand in awe
look inside my heart,
and be amazed
i want to hear you say
who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love
and beautiful

<3

beautiful- bethany dillion

imperfections post number one: legs.

it is kind of sad that it has been difficult for me to try to narrow down just one thing to talk about for this first post. but after some careful thought i finally settled on my legs.

i have always had smaller legs. well, small for my size. my body is kind of shaped like a potato with toothpicks. i have a huge center with these little twigs poking out from underneath. its kind of silly really. the problem i always faced with my legs was actually showing them. for some reason wearing a dress, skirt, or pair of shorts has become absolutely terrifying to me. the whole time i am in an anxious worry spell wondering if too much of my thighs are showing, if i have cellulite, or if by showing them off i am exposing how much bigger my tummy is. a million and one different thoughts run through my mind as i stand before my mirror trying to dress and finally i decide on a pair of jeans.

JEANS.

jeans have become my security blanket and worst enemy. i realized that they aren't the most feminine and the whole time i am worried about looking too manish. so its a losing battle. i can wear something pretty and girly and feel insecure, or wear a pair of jeans that are comforting but make me feel manly and insecure. in the end, i always feel insecure.

i guess another thing i don't like about my legs are the shapes of my knees. i once had a friend tell me my knee caps look like lions (weird, i know ha!) and ever since then i have been weird about my knees showing. i worry they are too saggy, too crooked, and too wobbly and boney. sometimes i stare at them stretched out in front of me and pull and push the skin and bones around trying to imagine what my knees would look like after surgery. of course i wont get reconstructive knee surgery but the thoughts always in my mind.

but after starting to write this post (i actually began it last week) i did something unheard of. i wore a dress. not once. not twice. but three times. in ONE week! and not only that but i wore a pair of shorts twice. five days last week i was wearing an article of clothing that showed my saggy knees and chicken legs. five days i didn't second guess myself in the mirror as i stood there stressed out beyond belief at the pale logs coming from my waist. i rejected the negative thoughts that flowed through my mind as i looked down at them while driving around.

i know it doesn't seem like much but to me it feels huge. because when i walked across campus in my dress and cowboy boots i felt good. dare i say, cute?

its one step in the right directions and hopefully the legs that will carry my to the finish line can be legs that i one day come to love and can show off unashamed.

drive.

tonight was exactly what i needed
after an emotionally and physically stressful weekend i let loose a little
i rolled the windows all the way down
and let the cool october air blow through my hair
i cranked up the newest song to woo and romance my heart
and sang along with every lyric
maybe a little too loud
i let my hand play in the wind outside

and felt myself be free under the gorgeous full moon
i didn't care what the people around me were thinking

or what the guys next to me were laughing at
i didn't drive down the streets that make me hurt

i didn't think of how i looked
or what i was wearing

who would be judging me

or where i was going next
i didn't think at all
no.
i just drove
and all i cared about was the breeze on my face and the song in my ears
consuming me
making me lovely under the moonlight
i was simply me
unmasked
unguarded
and wonderfully happy