self induced hell

i cant catch my breath
gasping, inhaling, clutching my chest
trying to find some form of air to fill these desperate lungs
my thoughts chill me to the bone
tearing down wall after wall put up
trying to keep these negative thoughts out
the banging in my chest is the only thing letting me know i am still alive
thump
thump
the clanging around inside echos through my body
beating in every limb and fingertip
moving its way deep into my core
these moments, these painful, destructive, moments
are the only thing that strangely brings me peace
because the pain lets me know im alive
and that maybe one day they will be over

gone

to never return
these desolate moments alone

clinging to feelings of self hatred
when i feel like i will never win
i remember that i am still here
much alive
and that my lungs are still gasping for hope
that my heart is still beating for something
anything
other than this self induced hell