dear body

i saw something online about this and though i feel silly, i feel its necessary for us. for us to move on from here. what i found said to write a letter to someone you've wronged. it can be a family member, a friend, or even an enemy. you don't have to give it to them. you can tuck it away in a dresser drawer somewhere. you can light a match and watch it burn til it's nothing but a pile of dust. or you can roll it up, put it in a glass bottle, and let it wash away into the sea. whichever way you decide to go the words you've been holding onto in your heart for so long will finally be out in the open. you will rid them from bouncing around the confines of your chest. you will finally be free of the pain that's been building.

so here is goes.

dear body,

i know we've had our ups and downs. to be honest, mostly we've had our downs. i have hated you, humiliated you, and tortured you. i've always wished you were something you are not and never once taken the time to appreciate anything you've done for me. i constantly focus on all your faults and never once thanked you for the good you've done. i am a hypocrite like that. i wish people wouldn't judge me for the way you look but all i do is constantly bash you for looking the way you do. i am your worst enemy. i should have stood up for you when someone would call you a name. i shouldn't have whispered venom into your skin every single time i looked at you in the mirror. i shouldn't have gone to extremes to try to change you. i shouldn't have gorged myself then purged myself. i should have tried to find ways to love you through all of the bad i saw. how can i expect people to see me for who i really am when all i am is a monster to myself? i have been evil, dangerous, and malicious to you. and i am so sorry for that. i wish there was something else i could offer but there is nothing i have left to give. just three words. i. am. sorry. i am sorry for so many things. but mostly i am sorry for hating you. for poking you. picking at you. pushing you. for never taking care of you. for never once being thankful that you are the reason i can wake up in the morning. that you are the reason i can get over sicknesses. that you are the reason my legs move one after another. i am sorry i have only focused on hating one part of you when there is so much more to you that i never took time to be appreciative of. i know we have a long journey ahead of us. and i can't promise i will always be good to you. but i can promise that i will try to be better. that i will try to love you. and i will try not to hurt you anymore. i want this new year to be a year of change. a heart change. a love change. a take care of us both change. and i hope i can give back to you the way you've always given to me.

i am sorry for the past.
but im hopeful for the future.

love,
kate

perfect.

there are many definitions and ideas to what the word perfect means. for this post i am going to focus on this definition.

perfect: exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose.

i have struggled with the idea of perfection or being perfect for as long as i can remember. every little girl wants to be a perfect, pretty princess, every high school girl wants to be perfect on prom night, every engaged woman desires to be perfectly beautiful at their wedding, and every person dreams of being seen as enough. as perfect. because we feel that by being perfect we are the epitome of wholeness and togetherness and by having those things that we are without flaw. in society we have been told that in order to be "perfect" we need to be a certain size, a certain weight,or a certain idea of attractive to be seen as perfect.

somehow the definition of perfect has been directly related to the way a person looks. a common phrase people say is that, "no one is perfect". and by societies standards that is absolutely correct. while there may be a few people who do fall into all those categories the general population of people do not. but that does not mean that we don't strive to reach this unreachable idea of perfection.

this blog is dedicated to talking about the tortures and heartaches ive put myself through to try to reach this goal and how it hasn't worked out so well for me. all of the ads advertising, "lose weight now" or plastic surgeons that are in business are around because of people trying to perfect themselves or make themselves seem flawless. a tighter face. a smaller stomach. a bigger butt. all those things and hundreds more. ive talked about my opinions of plastic surgery before here. but sadly no matter how many surgeries and crash diets a person goes on they will never meet societies view of what they should be.

but there is hope. because in the true definition of perfect, and not societies depiction and warped opinion, it states that being perfect is exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose. so by definition, being perfect is fulfilling a purpose in which you were designed for. no where does it give requirements. no where does it say you have to be a size zero or have a certain size bust. it doesn't even address artificial attributes.

and for some reason that reality gave me immense peace. ibecause no, i will never look like a super model. i will never be tall enough, pretty enough, or skinny enough for that. but i can be too loud, too emotional, too compassionate, and too much sometimes. i can be overweight, frumpy, and unattractive and that's all okay. because that's the person i am meant to be. that is the person i am. and by being myself, which is a very flawed girl, i can still be perfect.

so by writing this blog i am in definition--perfect. i am writing my heart and addressing issues i feel that are too important to ignore. im exactly fitting the purpose that i was intended for.

of course i have many, many flaws and society will look at me and shake their heads in disgust. because society focuses on who we should be and not who we really are. they want to change us instead of accept us. the true peace i find is that by embracing this view of perfection i don't have to do anything. i don't have to change or warp anything. all i have to do is strive to be a better person but never a different person. i just have to be me because i know i am enough.
-------------------------------------------
i am perfect.
and you are the definition of what perfection truly is.
don't ever believe anything else.

{i heard this song on the radio the other day and it fits perfectly with this post}

made a wrong turn

once or twice

dug my way out

blood and fire

bad decisions

that's alright

welcome to my silly life

mistreated

misplaced

misunderstood

miss "no way, it's all good"

it didn't slow me down

mistaken

always second guessing

under estimated

look, i'm still around

pretty, pretty please

don't you ever, ever feel

like your less than

less than perfect

pretty, pretty please

if you ever, ever feel

like you are nothing

you are perfect to me

you're so mean

when you talk

about yourself

you are wrong

change the voices

in your head

make them like you instead

so complicated

look happy

you'll make it

filled with so much hatred

such a tired game

it's enough

i've done all i can think of

chased down all my demons

i've seen you do the same

pretty, pretty please

don't you ever, ever feel

like your less than

less than perfect

pretty, pretty please

if you ever, ever feel

like you are nothing

you are perfect to me

inner beauty

in class yesterday i had a heart dropping, stomach turning, inner body temperature boiling moment. and because of it my self esteem virtually fell off the chart.

the weird thing is no one said anything to me or called me any name. i didn't get a dirty look or have someone snicker when i walked by. it was in and of itself this picture.

(the sad thing it was so easy to find this. i went to google and typed in "inner beauty quotes" and it was near the top.)

this picture, caption and all, was on the guys binder who sits next to me. he dropped his pen and i reached over to pick it up for him and when i sat it on his desk it rested just on top of this picture tucked behind the plastic next to a picture of him and a few of his guy friends. he saw my eyes quickly dart across the image and i know he must have seen the pain fill me as they traced the words and took in their meaning. and instead of covering the binder or looking away he looked me right in the eyes.

and he smiled.

it wasn't a friendly smile. it was a, "guess what, this is about you" kind of smile. it was a, "i think you are ugly and fat" kind of smile. and it pissed me off. i wanted to throw his binder across the room and tell him how many people that picture is going to haunt and hurt. i wanted to punch him in his stupid nose and break it just like that picture broke something inside of me. i wanted to cause him pain. i wanted to tell him the million and one reason why that picture, no, those words, are hurtful and destructive. i wanted to make him see. i wanted to tell him everything.

but i didn't. do you know what i did?

i smiled back.

yep. i cheesed it at that s.o.b. and simply said, "here's your pen" and turned back to face the professor. i washed the pain and humiliation off my face just as quickly as it came and spent the rest of the hour and nineteen minutes in class focusing on the teacher and world war one. obviously he has that picture on his binder for a reason. maybe he thinks its funny. maybe he does it so girls like me get their feelings hurt and he doesn't have to personally feel guilty because hes not the one saying it. regardless, he has that placed there because he wants to get a reaction and i wasn't about to let him win. at least not when hes looking.

last night i kept the situation out of my mind for the evening and really kept my focus on anything and everything other then that guy. but as midnight rolled around and i was staring at the black ceiling of my room i felt those words, that perfect woman in that picture, and his pleased-with-himself grin creep up on me. i felt all the insults ive been called, all the tears ive cried, and all the self hatred start to shower me. they started to cover me--suffocate me. my chest physically started hurting to the point i had to get on the ground and hold my body so tight like it was the only thing keeping me alive. i cried and winced at the pain. physically and much, much deeper inside of me. i kept saying the word no over and over. i told myself he's wrong and that he doesn't understand inner beauty because from the looks of it, he is severely lacking in that department. after what felt like hours i crawled into bed, pulled the covers over my head, and fell asleep. mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.

but this morning i woke up feeling new. after a soul wrenching conversation last night i decided i am going to try to live life fully every single day. i want to live life unapologetically. on purpose. i want to do things that make me happy. experience life and feel beautiful because of it.

i took a long shower and took my time in lathering my body and really letting the few degrees too hot water fall all over me like a cleansing rain. most of the time, well all of the time, i take as quick of a shower as i can and get dressed instantly because i hate seeing my body without clothes on. but today i took my time. i put lotion on my freshly shaved skin and let the water drops from my hair trickle down my back. i made myself a chai latte completely undressed. no one was home and this was my morning. my morning to live unapologetically. to do exactly what i want to do and to be whoever i wanted to be. even if that's an overweight naked girl. i slipped on a short fleece robe and the warmth felt good on my damp skin. i slid on a pair of ugg-like boots and took the doggies outside to brave the cold weather. the crispy air pinched and nibbled at my barely covered skin and created prickles on my freshly shaved legs. but i didn't care. i lifted my hands and stretched every muscle in my body reaching up towards the heavens and you know what? my robe flew open! but i didn't care. because in that moment wearing nothing but a pair of boots and wet hair i felt more alive, more free, and more beautiful than i have in my entire life.

the thought that popped into my mind at that moment was towards the guy in my class and the only thing i could think was, "suck it! you aren't going to bring me down!"

i realized my nudity might blind the neighbors so i scooted back inside to my bedroom and i did something i haven't done in years.

i looked at myself naked.

eeek! it was scary my friends. but you know what? it wasn't as awful as i remember.

i noticed that i have a pretty collar bone. that my legs are thankfully skinny and look really cute in a pair of boots. that my boobs aren't as saggy or ugly as i remember and actually kinda pretty. i noticed curves and shapes and beauty i had never seen before on my body.

and sure i noticed my awful stomach and double chin and how ugly i look without make up but i realized that there are some things i might be okay with on my body.

and i also realized that even though i don't feel beautiful when i look in a mirror, that i do feel it sometimes when im not looking in a mirror and that's okay. because inner beauty is real. and its not only reserved for a certain type of person. i feel beautiful when i don't look in a mirror because i am feeling myself. i am feeling the beauty that is radiating from inside of me.

and if i feel beautiful with my arms in the air like a crazy person with my robe flapping open in the wind that's okay too because im just being me. and even though shes not as gorgeous as the girl in the picture above, shes a hell of a lot prettier inside then someone who would make a picture like that to make people feel bad about themselves. the road to loving yourself starts one step at a time. and this morning i took a pretty big step.

dear _____,

i feel your eyes on me
burning right through my walls
tearing apart my covered up self
when will this be good enough?
when will all that i am satisfy you?
NEVER
because you can never be satisfied
you cannot be quenched
your thirst for perfection is haunting
suffocating
with every lie i tell myself
i am fueling your power of deception
that what you show is how i am suppose to be
NO.
no i will not be taken prisoner to your trickery anymore
perfection cannot be reached
and i know i will never be one of those girls
the "perfect ones"
flawlessness from head to toe
the envy of every girls eye
the lust of every mans touch
i can batter and bruise myself
scar and tear myself apart til there is nothing left
and despite doing all these things
i will never reach this vision
this vision of perfection
because even if i torture myself into this nothingness
day after day
i will still be me on the inside
which to you will never be enough

i have one shining light in the darkness of this despair
and though i might not be perfect on the outside like society shows us we "should be"
i have Something that is perfect inside of me
Something singing life into my soul
unlike you who scream death into my self worth
i have Something whispering hope into my dreams
faith into my veins
and love for myself into my heart
i have the ultimate beauty inside of me
that isn't made up of makeup plastered faces and flawless bodies
its made up of overflowing love and beauty
something that cannot be reached by starvation and self abuse
but by self sacrifice and abandonment of self hatred
and though i still look at myself
unsatisfied
i take comfort in knowing that i was made in the image of perfection
and that the person i am wasn't a mistake
i was carefully pieced together
i am beautifully and wonderfully made
and i am starting to see that its okay to be me
imperfect in many ways
flawed
insecure
and damaged
but finally starting to love the person i was meant to be

even though she'll never be perfect

self induced hell

i cant catch my breath
gasping, inhaling, clutching my chest
trying to find some form of air to fill these desperate lungs
my thoughts chill me to the bone
tearing down wall after wall put up
trying to keep these negative thoughts out
the banging in my chest is the only thing letting me know i am still alive
thump
thump
the clanging around inside echos through my body
beating in every limb and fingertip
moving its way deep into my core
these moments, these painful, destructive, moments
are the only thing that strangely brings me peace
because the pain lets me know im alive
and that maybe one day they will be over

gone

to never return
these desolate moments alone

clinging to feelings of self hatred
when i feel like i will never win
i remember that i am still here
much alive
and that my lungs are still gasping for hope
that my heart is still beating for something
anything
other than this self induced hell