a princess, a war, and a tower.

i have always had the idea that i was a princess in the tower
waiting to be rescued
by a knight in shining armor 
galloping on a steed 
bursting onto the scene
slaying dragons, you know, the works.

but when i started to think about it
who is to say that i have found my way to the tower?
that i have battled across the scorched desert?
and freezing mountains peeks?
that i have crossed brimstone and fire?
and have slayed my dragons?

how can i have my knight save me from a place that i haven't even found?
how can i be worthy of saving when i haven't even fought for myself? 

right now i am stuck somewhere between hot as hell deserts and vile brimstone.
and someone forget to mention in the manual that there are dragons all along the way.
breathing fire.
spitting venom.
trying to keep me from my castle.
from being told i am the fairest in all the land.
that i am worthy of being fought for.
and much to be loved.

for some reason this dragon i have been fighting is much bigger than expected. and much meaner than i could ever have imagined in my darkest nightmares. it's been beating me down. crushing me under it's large talons. scraping and bruising me. ripping me apart. limb by limb. i stopped lifting my hands to fight. because it's easier to curl up and wait for the darkness to take over.
wait for the pain to become a steady dull numb.
wait for it to be over.
to consume all that's left of me.
wait to finally.
just.
die.

but something i learned a long time ago came upon me.
like that first breath of air after being held under water too long. 
like my lungs were learning what air was for the first time.
i realized that i set out on this journey in a pair of flats and pool floaties. 
how on earth could i face battle when i have no armor? 
i have nothing protecting me except these weak hands and ever stumbling feet.

how could i have been so proud to think i can do this alone?
i am the farthest thing from a warrior.
i am weak.
i am faithless.
i am weary.
i am heavy-laden.
but surprisingly enough,
i have not been defeated.

because i am no longer walking this journey alone.
i never really was.
i have Someone who has been fighting with me all along.
through my rivers and over my mountains.
who wanted to step in front of me and help take the powerful blows crashing down on me.
but i wouldn't let Him.
i didn't need Him to help me with this.
this was mine, this monster, this journey.
it's too personal to invite Him into this arena.
He can handle everything else. 
all my other dragons.
all my other battles.
but this one, this one i could fight on my own.
or so i have been telling myself.

but i can't do it alone.
i can not do it.
i am too small for this big battle.
i have been david without his slingshot.
noah without his ark.
just throwing pebbles at this giant.
using my little floaties to help me from drowning.
but i need more than me.
more than all i have in all of my strength.
i need Him.
i need His armor. i need His sword. i need His shield. i need His breastplate. 
i need His place of rest. 
i need His help in this.
i need Him more than i need a victory. 
because i am so unable and so fragile.

i always thought the tower gig was about being rescued.
taken away from the castle.
away from the beasts.
but it's not about being rescued.
its about me fighting to earn my place upon that tower. 
and to be someone worth fighting for.

i thought that the desert and fire was for the knight to battle.
but it's not.
it's for me. 
it's my fire i have to smother.
it's my dragon i have to slay.
it's my tower i have to climb the steps up to.
i have to fight for myself.
to believe that i am worthy of the fight.
to know i am worthy of love.
worthy of happily ever after.

and when i complete the journey.
whenever that may be.
and i finally reach my tower
perched up high in the clouds.
i will be in a place of happiness.
with who i am. and who i use to be.
in a dwelling and deep love affair with the One who was wiping off my dirty knees.
and healing my broken bones all along the way.
i will be dancing and growing with the One who whispered lovely and beautiful into my deafened ears when the war got too loud.
i will be in a place where i can delight and be delighted in.
where i can rest.

i will be ready and worthy of being fought for.
because i, not alone, had won the war waged against me.
and found completion in the King who made me a princess worthy of a tower. 
i won't need someone to rescue me anymore.

because my knight wont have shining armor.
it will be rusted and cracked.
he will have his own wounds.
his own defeats.
and his own  victories.
when i was fighting against my demons,
he was in some other desert.
in some other place.
clinging on for dear life in his own avalanches and wars.
getting to a place where he knew his worth.
as a man.
as a son.
as a prince.
where he learned his steps didn't move forward unless he put each and every movement into the hands of the only One who could save him.

and when he finally reaches me.
in my precious tower.
i won't be sleeping.
i won't be surrounded by dwarfs.
i won't have ridiculously long hair.
or singing dishes and brooms.
but i will know i am loved.
and believe i am worthy.
i will stick out my hands.
and let him run his rugged fingers across my battle scars.
i can tell him i fought for my happiness, i fought to find love for myself in this broken world, i fought with the One who created and saved my soul, and i fought to give him a heart that he deserves. 

and he will show me his scars.
his broken bones.
his cracked ribs.
and tell me he fought for himself.
he fought for his Redeemer.
he fought for the right that one day he could love me the way a  princess deserves.

and we will leave that tower behind.
for a new path.
a new journey.
a new Kingdom to strive for.
with my heart full
and my heart complete.
we will set out on the journey.
the three of us.
there will be more harsh climates.
and beasts to defeat.
but i wont be alone.

because i never really was. 

a beautiful weekend.

i felt beautiful this weekend. actually, three times i felt honest to goodness beautiful. from the tips of my toes to the very deepest place in my soul. i know that's something weird to say but i guess the only way i can describe it is feeling completely content with who i am in every single way. and that's something i am not use to feeling.

friday night:

the night had definitely not gone according to plan and had turned into some kind of nightmare. but around midnight me and jordan decided to go to the beach. i had never been at night before and the stars were twinkling too sweet to go ignored. we had both dressed up earlier in the evening in dresses and skinny jeans and drew on eyeliner for our planned girls night that unfortunately never happened. we first climbed up the lifeguards tower and enjoyed the awesome view from being so high. eventually my feet started aching for cold sand to wiggle between my toes so we made our way to the waters edge. the moment our toes touched the warm water we both got the same idea at once. we stripped off our heels and skinny jeans and ran back towards the water with our mini dresses covering just enough that we weren't indecent. we splashed around, chased the waves, and danced in the water. we both sat down and let the waves wash over us. our wet and sandy dresses clung to our skin and yet we didn't care. we were happy, we were completely content with the universe, and we were beautiful. we laid in the sandy water for a long while and talked about life and love and regret. i remember walking away when it was starting to get too late and feeling like the ocean gave me something. something indescribable. i feel like i took a piece of the gorgeous emerald coast and buried deep into myself in the place only i can see. something just for me and something to keep always. it gave me a piece of freedom i never knew existed.

saturday night:

late in the evening i had been talking to a new friend i met here, steven, about the beaches and he asked me if i wanted to go with him. it was 10pm and i was in my pjs but i decided to go for it. he drove to my house and came to the front door to come get me when he had arrived. in all my years of spending time with guy friends i have never once had a guy come to my front door. i had never felt more feminine and girly opening it up and seeing someone waiting for me. he of course asked me how i was doing as soon as we started walking towards his truck and once we were driving he said it might be cold so we stopped by his house so he could get me a jacket. we went by starbucks and pumped caffeine into our veins before heading to the island. he played me his favorite songs and we sang along to the black keys as my hair whipped and tangled around in the passenger seat. we sat for a little bit while he played me some songs he had written and the waves complimented the guitar in a perfect harmony. we eventually walked through a hotel to get to the beach and as soon as my toes touched the sand a smile spread across my face. we left our shoes by the dock and took off towards the water. i slipped on his sweatshirt and the two of us walked down the beach with our feet getting tickled by the waves that stretched out to reach us then receded back to their home just to come back again. to be honest i don't know how long we were walking. we laughed as we got to know each other and walked until we knew it was almost too far. the thing i like about steven is i feel like ive known him all my life. that's how comfortable i am around him and only after knowing him a week. and the weird thing is that even though this could have been a romantic moment-it wasn't. because i know he doesn't feel that way for me and i want him in my life just as a friend. but as we walked down the beach i felt completely at peace. with myself and around this handsome guy i normally would have been insecure around. i played in the waves and got soaked from the waist down but i didn't worry about what he thought or how i looked. all i cared about was tasting the air. feeling the hard sand beneath my feet. and letting go of all the insecurities that would have normally ruined this moment for me. after we were walking in silence for a little bit he simply said, "im glad i met you" and i agreed. and not just because i made a new friend but because being around him makes me feel beautiful. and that's how ive always deserved to feel.
sunday morning:
i woke up early and got ready to go to church with my new friend patrick. i waved my hair, dusted on a purple eyeliner to make my eyes look especially blue, and slipped on one of my favorite sundresses. i wore a pair of bow flats and misted myself with a sunny perfume. i walked down the street to his house and the whole way there i gave thanks for how beautiful the day was. i met a few of his friends before church and smiled honestly when i met them. ive always been insecure about my smile but these three men made me smile genuinely and without worry. there was something good about their presence that made me want to be the best and truest version of myself. the service was great and i even sang along without trying to mute my voice so i wouldn't be heard. i laughed and smiled and joked without once thinking about the way i looked or how they were viewing me. because i honestly think they saw me for me. for who i am. and they didn't mind how she looked. i felt beautiful and sun kissed in the florida sunshine and like all the baggage and insecurities ive been toting around fell off of me like a cleansing rain.

of course throughout this weekend there were times i fixed my hair too much. moments i fiddled and bit my lip in nerves. and hours i stressed and cried over the way i looked. but there were three times this weekend that i felt the truest and most beautiful i have ever felt in my life. all three were different times and in different places. i was a different kate in every instance but still felt truly authentic. they might have been fleeting and momentary but i guess its a hope to hold on to and a goal to strive for.  the truth is the times i felt the most beautiful were the times i wasn't trying. and i would like to think that counts for a lot. because beauty isn't something manufactured. beauty is something created from deep inside ourselves and something felt in our entire being. and this weekend i felt that feeling truly from the bottom of my soul and i hope that's something i never forget.

no pity party here.

last weekend i celebrated my friend joes 21st birthday in style. being the last one out of our group to turn 21 we all decided it would be fun to go all out. so, we got a party bus. and let me tell you. it was SO much fun! about twenty of us piled in the fancy party bus complete with an ice filled bar, complimentary champagne, and a booming stereo. we laughed, we joked, and had an amazing time. all in all it was probably one of the most fun nights i have had in my whole life. i feel blessed to have friends to spend quality time with and the opportunities to do an awesome thing like we did.

and in truth. i had a blast. which was something that i wasn't sure i was going to have. see, i was one out of the only five girls on the bus and the rest were guys. a few of which i kinda have crushes on. and i was worried that i would be worried when i was on the bus. the other girls i hang out with are gorgeous, thin, and the guys drool all over them. i got really anxious, started fussing, and got a little moody to be honest. but the weird thing was once i was on the bus all of my insecurities were gone.

sure i had a little liquid courage to keep me motivated but the WHOLE NIGHT i didn't once think a negative thought about myself. i wasn't aware until the next day that i was the biggest girl on the bus and that my bangs got sweaty and fell out of my bobby pin. i didn't stress out that my makeup was virtually smudged across my whole face and that my tight curls lost shape and zig zagged in every which way. i didn't think about any of that. in all honesty i wasn't really thinking about what i looked like at all. and when i went to the bathroom i didn't allow myself to look in the mirror. and for the first time in years i wore a skirt without dark tights or leggings to cover my legs up. i rocked a tank top and skirt and owned it like it was the easiest thing in the world even though it was absolutely terrifying.

a few days later when i saw pictures from the evening i had a mini heart attack when i saw how awful, gross, and ugly i really looked but for some reason it didn't linger and bother me for days after like it normally would have. i was so carefree that night that no picture with 23847 double chins could take that away from me.

because in that moment. in that entire evening i was me. i was confident. i was HAPPY. and even though writing this now it feels artificial it wasn't that night. i was genuinely happy with myself. and i know that  its a step in the right direction. even if its a little baby step.

thats the birthday boy himself mister joe :)

my partner in crime and me on the bus. i wouldnt have made it that night without her.

me and tim. probably one of the nicest guys i know :)

some of the group <3

natural kind of beauty.

every since i was younger i remember being told that guys like all natural girls. that there is something simple yet beautiful about them. that they are elegant. timeless.

but when i look at the kind of girls that most guys go for, there definitely seems to be a huge lack in all natural and a big heap of dark makeup, perfectly fixed hair, and clothes that look like they were painted on. i thought all the people who told me that natural girls were pretty were just trying to make me feel better and would lie when they said i looked beautiful without makeup.

and i definitely don't think there is anything wrong with girls who dress up and make themselves look good. but as a young high school girl who never wore much make up and had an awful widows peek and down the middle parted hair i was constantly in conflict. because the girls who caked on makeup and wore revealing clothes got the boyfriends. and i knew that that wasn't the type of attention i wanted but i got to the point where i need SOME attention. even if it was bad. i wanted to have a guy fall for me in my all natural state like i had been promised would happen. but i realized that would never happen. so i got bangs, straightened my poofy, frizzy, wavy locks, wore dark make up, and tried to dress more feminine and revealing. and it worked. i got attention. and just as i thought it definitely was not the good kind. but i thought if a guy was attracted to me in any way it was better than not having any at all. but i wasn't myself and i didn't feel comfortable. so after a couple horrible run ins and a few years i decided i would stick with my tshirts and cardigans, lost the purple and teal eye shadow and replaced it with more natural colors, and started wearing my hair in its wavy, crazy, wild natural state.

and don't get me wrong. i still absolutely love to get dressed up, have sultry makeup, and feel like i am attending a red carpet premiere. as i have gotten older its something i look forward to and enjoy. nothing can make me feel more feminine than having curled hair, long eye lashes, and a pair of heels on. and when guys stop and look at me for a brief moment when i walk into a room wearing a little black dress and bright red lipstick i feel like a movie star. 

but for me its the time after that i feel the prettiest. actually, when i feel almost beautiful. when the sucker-inners are on the floor and the heels are replaced with buzz lightyear socks. when my make up is still on but a little smudged, my curls have loosened and fallen, and i slip into my favorite pair of sweatpants and old ratty band tshirt. because that is me. that's the girl i long to be everyday. the girl i want to show the world. the girl who isn't afraid to be seen undone or incomplete. the girl who use to get scolded every holiday for taking off her pretty christmas shoes the moment she walked in the door to run around the backyard barefoot. the girl who has hair that curls and flips and waves all over the place and the girl who washes off her make up the moment she walks in the door. the girl who hates jeans, shoes, and bras and wishes sometimes she was born in the 60's so she could be a hippy and not have to wear clothes. the girl she is when no one else is looking.

and she is the girl i love being. the relaxed girl after the party and festivities are over. and i realized recently that i am the happiest when i am her. when i allow myself to strip down to the basics and just be comfortable (which is something i completely forgot about.) and of course i feel pretty when i dress up but the whole time i am picking and pulling and stretching and fixing. but when i crawl into my bed after a long night out i can breathe easy (probably because im not wearing spanx anymore) and know i am the most natural me i can ever be.

and maybe they were right all along. maybe guys do like girls when they are in their natural state. because when i am all kate and all natural i feel beautiful. and when you feel beauty, you create beauty. and that isn't something that a little black dress or make up can fake. that something that only comes from being yourself.

so tonight i am going to dress up as pretty as i can for my friends birthday party. i am gonna squeeze myself into a pair of spanx and i am gonna worry too much about how my hair looks all night. my feet will hurt, my thighs will rub, and my make up will run. but when the nights over and all the boys have gone and i am finally alone i will slip on my old senior sweats from high school and my favorite old vw bus tshirt and i will smile to myself. because i can finally be myself. and i can feel beautiful for the first time all night.

hearts song

i was so unique
now i feel skin deep
i count on the make up to cover it all
crying myself to sleep cause i cannot keep their attention 
i thought i could be strong
but it's killing me

does someone hear my cry?
i'm dying for new life

i want to be beautiful
make you stand in awe
look inside my heart,
and be amazed
i want to hear you say
who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love
and beautiful

sometimes i wish i was someone other than me
fighting to make the mirror happy
trying to find whatever is missing
won't you help me back to glory

i want to be beautiful
 make you stand in awe
look inside my heart,
and be amazed
i want to hear you say
who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love
and beautiful

<3

beautiful- bethany dillion

imperfections post number one: legs.

it is kind of sad that it has been difficult for me to try to narrow down just one thing to talk about for this first post. but after some careful thought i finally settled on my legs.

i have always had smaller legs. well, small for my size. my body is kind of shaped like a potato with toothpicks. i have a huge center with these little twigs poking out from underneath. its kind of silly really. the problem i always faced with my legs was actually showing them. for some reason wearing a dress, skirt, or pair of shorts has become absolutely terrifying to me. the whole time i am in an anxious worry spell wondering if too much of my thighs are showing, if i have cellulite, or if by showing them off i am exposing how much bigger my tummy is. a million and one different thoughts run through my mind as i stand before my mirror trying to dress and finally i decide on a pair of jeans.

JEANS.

jeans have become my security blanket and worst enemy. i realized that they aren't the most feminine and the whole time i am worried about looking too manish. so its a losing battle. i can wear something pretty and girly and feel insecure, or wear a pair of jeans that are comforting but make me feel manly and insecure. in the end, i always feel insecure.

i guess another thing i don't like about my legs are the shapes of my knees. i once had a friend tell me my knee caps look like lions (weird, i know ha!) and ever since then i have been weird about my knees showing. i worry they are too saggy, too crooked, and too wobbly and boney. sometimes i stare at them stretched out in front of me and pull and push the skin and bones around trying to imagine what my knees would look like after surgery. of course i wont get reconstructive knee surgery but the thoughts always in my mind.

but after starting to write this post (i actually began it last week) i did something unheard of. i wore a dress. not once. not twice. but three times. in ONE week! and not only that but i wore a pair of shorts twice. five days last week i was wearing an article of clothing that showed my saggy knees and chicken legs. five days i didn't second guess myself in the mirror as i stood there stressed out beyond belief at the pale logs coming from my waist. i rejected the negative thoughts that flowed through my mind as i looked down at them while driving around.

i know it doesn't seem like much but to me it feels huge. because when i walked across campus in my dress and cowboy boots i felt good. dare i say, cute?

its one step in the right directions and hopefully the legs that will carry my to the finish line can be legs that i one day come to love and can show off unashamed.

drive.

tonight was exactly what i needed
after an emotionally and physically stressful weekend i let loose a little
i rolled the windows all the way down
and let the cool october air blow through my hair
i cranked up the newest song to woo and romance my heart
and sang along with every lyric
maybe a little too loud
i let my hand play in the wind outside

and felt myself be free under the gorgeous full moon
i didn't care what the people around me were thinking

or what the guys next to me were laughing at
i didn't drive down the streets that make me hurt

i didn't think of how i looked
or what i was wearing

who would be judging me

or where i was going next
i didn't think at all
no.
i just drove
and all i cared about was the breeze on my face and the song in my ears
consuming me
making me lovely under the moonlight
i was simply me
unmasked
unguarded
and wonderfully happy

inner beauty

in class yesterday i had a heart dropping, stomach turning, inner body temperature boiling moment. and because of it my self esteem virtually fell off the chart.

the weird thing is no one said anything to me or called me any name. i didn't get a dirty look or have someone snicker when i walked by. it was in and of itself this picture.

(the sad thing it was so easy to find this. i went to google and typed in "inner beauty quotes" and it was near the top.)

this picture, caption and all, was on the guys binder who sits next to me. he dropped his pen and i reached over to pick it up for him and when i sat it on his desk it rested just on top of this picture tucked behind the plastic next to a picture of him and a few of his guy friends. he saw my eyes quickly dart across the image and i know he must have seen the pain fill me as they traced the words and took in their meaning. and instead of covering the binder or looking away he looked me right in the eyes.

and he smiled.

it wasn't a friendly smile. it was a, "guess what, this is about you" kind of smile. it was a, "i think you are ugly and fat" kind of smile. and it pissed me off. i wanted to throw his binder across the room and tell him how many people that picture is going to haunt and hurt. i wanted to punch him in his stupid nose and break it just like that picture broke something inside of me. i wanted to cause him pain. i wanted to tell him the million and one reason why that picture, no, those words, are hurtful and destructive. i wanted to make him see. i wanted to tell him everything.

but i didn't. do you know what i did?

i smiled back.

yep. i cheesed it at that s.o.b. and simply said, "here's your pen" and turned back to face the professor. i washed the pain and humiliation off my face just as quickly as it came and spent the rest of the hour and nineteen minutes in class focusing on the teacher and world war one. obviously he has that picture on his binder for a reason. maybe he thinks its funny. maybe he does it so girls like me get their feelings hurt and he doesn't have to personally feel guilty because hes not the one saying it. regardless, he has that placed there because he wants to get a reaction and i wasn't about to let him win. at least not when hes looking.

last night i kept the situation out of my mind for the evening and really kept my focus on anything and everything other then that guy. but as midnight rolled around and i was staring at the black ceiling of my room i felt those words, that perfect woman in that picture, and his pleased-with-himself grin creep up on me. i felt all the insults ive been called, all the tears ive cried, and all the self hatred start to shower me. they started to cover me--suffocate me. my chest physically started hurting to the point i had to get on the ground and hold my body so tight like it was the only thing keeping me alive. i cried and winced at the pain. physically and much, much deeper inside of me. i kept saying the word no over and over. i told myself he's wrong and that he doesn't understand inner beauty because from the looks of it, he is severely lacking in that department. after what felt like hours i crawled into bed, pulled the covers over my head, and fell asleep. mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.

but this morning i woke up feeling new. after a soul wrenching conversation last night i decided i am going to try to live life fully every single day. i want to live life unapologetically. on purpose. i want to do things that make me happy. experience life and feel beautiful because of it.

i took a long shower and took my time in lathering my body and really letting the few degrees too hot water fall all over me like a cleansing rain. most of the time, well all of the time, i take as quick of a shower as i can and get dressed instantly because i hate seeing my body without clothes on. but today i took my time. i put lotion on my freshly shaved skin and let the water drops from my hair trickle down my back. i made myself a chai latte completely undressed. no one was home and this was my morning. my morning to live unapologetically. to do exactly what i want to do and to be whoever i wanted to be. even if that's an overweight naked girl. i slipped on a short fleece robe and the warmth felt good on my damp skin. i slid on a pair of ugg-like boots and took the doggies outside to brave the cold weather. the crispy air pinched and nibbled at my barely covered skin and created prickles on my freshly shaved legs. but i didn't care. i lifted my hands and stretched every muscle in my body reaching up towards the heavens and you know what? my robe flew open! but i didn't care. because in that moment wearing nothing but a pair of boots and wet hair i felt more alive, more free, and more beautiful than i have in my entire life.

the thought that popped into my mind at that moment was towards the guy in my class and the only thing i could think was, "suck it! you aren't going to bring me down!"

i realized my nudity might blind the neighbors so i scooted back inside to my bedroom and i did something i haven't done in years.

i looked at myself naked.

eeek! it was scary my friends. but you know what? it wasn't as awful as i remember.

i noticed that i have a pretty collar bone. that my legs are thankfully skinny and look really cute in a pair of boots. that my boobs aren't as saggy or ugly as i remember and actually kinda pretty. i noticed curves and shapes and beauty i had never seen before on my body.

and sure i noticed my awful stomach and double chin and how ugly i look without make up but i realized that there are some things i might be okay with on my body.

and i also realized that even though i don't feel beautiful when i look in a mirror, that i do feel it sometimes when im not looking in a mirror and that's okay. because inner beauty is real. and its not only reserved for a certain type of person. i feel beautiful when i don't look in a mirror because i am feeling myself. i am feeling the beauty that is radiating from inside of me.

and if i feel beautiful with my arms in the air like a crazy person with my robe flapping open in the wind that's okay too because im just being me. and even though shes not as gorgeous as the girl in the picture above, shes a hell of a lot prettier inside then someone who would make a picture like that to make people feel bad about themselves. the road to loving yourself starts one step at a time. and this morning i took a pretty big step.

feminine

i have struggled with feeling feminine since i can remember. i grew up with an older brother and spend most of my childhood around his friends. i would ride bikes, roll around in the dirt, and chase them around the backyard with our laser tag sets. i loved being "one of the boys" because lets face it; guys are much easier to spend a lot of time with. they are simple and easy. the perfect recipe for a good time.

as i got older and into my teenage years it was always my best friend, her boyfriend, his friends, and me. we were always hanging out with the boys, playing mini golf, getting into some form of trouble, and driving around hitting trash cans in the wee hours of the morning. i think its then that i realized i had a struggle with feeling feminine. i had been so use to being around the guys and being "one of the guys" that i completed neglected all actions of being a girl. i farted around anyone (especially the guys during a game of doorknob), burped, laughed unnaturally loud, and made inappropriate comments all the time. i was obnoxious, in your face, and didn't show any signs of being "girly". not that there is nothing wrong by any means with being a tomboy but i realized that when the guys in the group i had feelings for didn't like me back it was because they thought of me as just one of the guys. i was put in the "friend zone". i had always prided myself on not being like other girls but in the attempts to be cool around the guys and fit in i denied myself the rights of being a girl. which i desperately wanted to be. and in all reality guys don't wanna date "one of the guys", they want a girl.

i have also struggled with feeling feminine because my association with what "feminine" truly means is horribly distorted. my best friend is well liked by the male sex. guys just like her. and who is to blame them?! shes cute, funny, smart, and feisty. shes also five foot nothing and weighs about 100 pounds. she is in all means of the word dainty and petite. and guys love that. on the other hand i am 5'7, definitely not 100 pounds, and very rarely, if ever get attention from guys. in my mind i thought in order to be considered a girl and be treated like one i had to look like her. dainty. petite. small. and lets be honest...those are things i could never be no matter how badly i wish that would change. because my genes are different and unfortunately even plastic surgery cant really change that.

i also realized that the two of us are treated differently because of our size differences. like when we would go on trips with our guy friends and we had to cross the river. they could simply just pick her up and carry her across. me? ha that's a different story. i would fumble across the rocks and end up with my feet soaking wet. i wasn't able to be carried across safely and dry because in all reality, they couldn't carry me. but in my mind i was telling myself that she is being treated like a lady because shes small and girly and i was treated like just another person on the street because i am big and not worthy of that treatment. for a long time i was truly jealous of my friend because i felt like she got the royal treatment everywhere we went because of how she looked. and in all reality, that's probably mostly true. but then i realized that being envious of her and letting that destroy my self esteem wasn't her fault and it wasn't getting anything accomplished.

to this day i still struggle with being feminine but in a totally different way.i abandoned my farting and dirty joke telling self years ago but i still do get treated different because of my size. now i try to not let that effect me as much. but i wont wear vans anymore because i feel like they make me look manly. i wont wear certain colors or styles of clothing because they accentuate my swimmer shoulders. i stopped wearing band tshirts or any tshirts for that matter because they weren't girly enough. i cant stand baggy pants because i have no butt and they make me look like an overweight thirteen year old boy. i have so many self proclaimed rules that i lead my life by that getting dressed is completely exhausting. i constantly think, "will this make me look pretty, feminine, and girly?" and i constantly compare myself to every girl i meet. its overwhelming and draining. but i feel like i have to work overtime to gain back those years i lost in the in between phases of my life.

then there's the hair. my latest struggle.up until two days ago i had been growing out my hair for the past two years. i had long, curly, chocolate brown hair and i loved it. its what i had always wanted. but i got to the point where i needed something new. i hang out with a huge group of boys so i decided to get their input. most of them ignored my question but a few were adamant about me NOT cutting my hair. they kept saying, "long hair is feminine and girly". which is great because hey look! i have long hair! so that should mean i am feminine and girly right? the exact confirmation i have been dying for for the past twenty two years of my life. i spent hours online before my hair appointment looking on discussion boards and yahoo answers to see if guys like longer or shorter hair more and about 99% of the answers came back long hair.i was in a dilemma because i wanted to cut my hair but i felt guilty that by cutting it i would be denying myself that feeling of femininity i have been so long dying to feel.

but as i was sitting in the chair at the salon i had a realization. even if i have hair down to the floor and its gorgeous and healthy and wonderful and everyone praises me for it that wont make me feminine. because being feminine comes from inside of us. from that fragile place in every girls heart that longs to be a princess rescued in her tower.

so, i chopped it off and dyed it a redpurplebrown color. my long, curly, chocolate brown hair is now gone. it wasn't a huge drastic moment but i took off a good seven or eight inches. even typing this now my hair just resting on my shoulders makes me feel a little anxious. i keeping thinking, "where is the rest of it? where is my hair!?" and to be honest, i mostly cut it BECAUSE i was told by so many not to do it. and surprisingly, i am happy with it! last night the boys i hang out with saw my hair and i was so nervous they were going to call me ugly or some awful name but funny enough they didn't even notice! i asked them what they thought and they said, "its not that short." one guy asked me, "why did you do that?" but other then that they didn't seem to notice.

how stupid can i be that i thought they would be effected by my hair cut. but i wore it confidently and proudly and that is the thing that guys notice.

and sure, rapunzel threw her hair down the castle wall for her prince to come save her and unfortunately i cannot do that now with my short, layered, brownishred hair.

 but i guess that just means i might have to wait a little bit longer.

or he will have to find another way to come find me :)

my struggle with feeling feminine and beautiful is a long road that won't be ending soon. but i feel like making decisions for myself like i did with my hair are the stepping stones to loving the person that i am. i can't expect to be treated like a feminine lady by others if i cant even treat myself like i am one.

anyways, those are my thoughts as of today. thank you everyone for the continuous support and encouragement <3