Saturday, February 25, 2012

i can be both

as many of you know i have struggled a lot with femininity much of my life. i have written blogs dedicated completely to the subject. i have had the hardest time trying to decided between being one of the guys or being a girly girl. but  last week i realized that i can be both.

i woke up at six am in the morning to get ready for the day. i took a shower and spent time plucking my eyebrows and washing my face. i got into my little white car parked in the driveway and with damp hair and sweatpants i drove to the grocery store up the street. there i filled my small hand basket with cinnamon, sugar, biscuits, and almond extract. i smiled when the cashier said, "have a wonderful day ms.sutton" because for some reason that always makes me happy. i then spent the next few hours getting my hands messy in a sugary-cinnamon dream while carefully rolling each cinnamon bun into little balls of yummy. once the cinnamon balls were in the oven i finished taming my wet curls and painting a sparkly sunset of golds and pinks onto my eyelids. after slipping on my cowboy boots and flowery blue top i filled the still warm rolls into a little wicker basket and skipped out the door.

i waited a few minutes outside my friend robs house until he finally answered the door. with his locks of hair stretching in a million different directions and squinty eyes i could tell he had just woken up. as we waited for our other two friends to arrive we sat in silence as our christmas blend tea brewed in the kettle and warm jazz music serenaded the room. once he had woken up a little bit we quenched our hungry bellies with delicious tea and my mornings cinnamony hard work.

as soon as the other two arrived the room quickly filled with guns, ammunition, and the smell of men's deodorant. after a few trips to the truck i planted myself in the backseat and was soon swimming in bags of soon to be targets. with windows rolled down and music blasting we made our way up the hill, over the bridge, and down a dirt road that i believed to lead to no where. but once the truck was parked i realized i had stepped into a man made shooting range. made by the three men i was standing with.

in no time the tailgate was down and loaded with an assortment of different guns and rounds of ammunition. the targets were put in place on the hill and bright orange ear protection was snugly fitting inside our ears. the first shot literally terrified me to the bone. i thought with the ear protection i wouldn't be able to hear anything....boy was i wrong!
i have shot guns in my life before. i learned when i was little, taught it at summer camp, and even went to a range last year with a friend and got some professional advice. but for some reason being around three men who knew what they were doing, two of them being former marines, i got scared and intimidated. i decided i would be the camera girl for the day and try to take action shots of them blowing up soda bottles and dollar store glass ornaments instead of shooting. but one of my friends insisted i tried and he helped me hold it, load it, and angle it the proper way.  it took me a few minutes to actually pull the trigger and when i did i think i screamed in excitement and terror at the power i felt. after unloading the clip and shooting a really, really powerful gun that made me ear ring for twenty minutes; i decided i was done for the day.

but there was something about shooting the gun that made me feel feminine. it was in the way he helped me in a non condescending way. the encouragement they gave me to pull the trigger. and the congratulations they gave me when i actually hit something. all that all made me feel so good.

normally i would have been stressed out about getting dirt on my jeans the moment i stepped out of the truck (literally mud all over me the moment i got out!). or that by going shooting with guys it made me manly.  but this time was different. because i realized that i could still be feminine and myself by baking morning treats and buying lisa frank coloring books at the dollar store and that  i can hang with the guys and go shooting and eat sloppy joes the same day. i dont have to pick just one. i know that seems like a simple concept but its something i have struggled with all my life.

it makes me so happy to say i have peace in this all. peace in finding femininity in a room full of men. peace in coloring pictures of puppies in cowboy hats while all the guys watch star trek. and ultimate peace in finally realizing they dont expect me to be anything other than what i am. which is a girl that hangs with guys. a girl that can be both :)

some of the targets the guys bought were little dollar store stuffed animal bunnies that were adorable and in a rainbow of different colors. i wanted to keep them all but they kept telling me they were for targets. so after a couple rounds had been shot we went to set back up some of the stuff that had been knocked down or clean out the things that had already been shot. the seafoam green bunny i fell in love with was still in tact and not covered in dirt or mud like his fellow companions. so when no one was looking i saved him and slipped him in my jacket. i almost made it through the rest of the trip but one of his bright little ears popped out of my jacket and i was met with smiles and questionable looks. after some convincing they decided to let me keep my new little bunny friend. so now edmund the bunny has a home always <3
hes the one on the left <3

Saturday, February 11, 2012


there are many definitions and ideas to what the word perfect means. for this post i am going to focus on this definition.

perfect: exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose.

i have struggled with the idea of perfection or being perfect for as long as i can remember. every little girl wants to be a perfect, pretty princess, every high school girl wants to be perfect on prom night, every engaged woman desires to be perfectly beautiful at their wedding, and every person dreams of being seen as enough. as perfect. because we feel that by being perfect we are the epitome of wholeness and togetherness and by having those things that we are without flaw. in society we have been told that in order to be "perfect" we need to be a certain size, a certain weight,or a certain idea of attractive to be seen as perfect.

somehow the definition of perfect has been directly related to the way a person looks. a common phrase people say is that, "no one is perfect". and by societies standards that is absolutely correct. while there may be a few people who do fall into all those categories the general population of people do not. but that does not mean that we don't strive to reach this unreachable idea of perfection.

this blog is dedicated to talking about the tortures and heartaches ive put myself through to try to reach this goal and how it hasn't worked out so well for me. all of the ads advertising, "lose weight now" or plastic surgeons that are in business are around because of people trying to perfect themselves or make themselves seem flawless. a tighter face. a smaller stomach. a bigger butt. all those things and hundreds more. ive talked about my opinions of plastic surgery before here. but sadly no matter how many surgeries and crash diets a person goes on they will never meet societies view of what they should be.

but there is hope. because in the true definition of perfect, and not societies depiction and warped opinion, it states that being perfect is exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose. so by definition, being perfect is fulfilling a purpose in which you were designed for. no where does it give requirements. no where does it say you have to be a size zero or have a certain size bust. it doesn't even address artificial attributes.

and for some reason that reality gave me immense peace. ibecause no, i will never look like a super model. i will never be tall enough, pretty enough, or skinny enough for that. but i can be too loud, too emotional, too compassionate, and too much sometimes. i can be overweight, frumpy, and unattractive and that's all okay. because that's the person i am meant to be. that is the person i am. and by being myself, which is a very flawed girl, i can still be perfect.

so by writing this blog i am in definition--perfect. i am writing my heart and addressing issues i feel that are too important to ignore. im exactly fitting the purpose that i was intended for.

of course i have many, many flaws and society will look at me and shake their heads in disgust. because society focuses on who we should be and not who we really are. they want to change us instead of accept us. the true peace i find is that by embracing this view of perfection i don't have to do anything. i don't have to change or warp anything. all i have to do is strive to be a better person but never a different person. i just have to be me because i know i am enough.
i am perfect.
and you are the definition of what perfection truly is.

don't ever believe anything else.

{i heard this song on the radio the other day and it fits perfectly with this post}

made a wrong turn
once or twice
dug my way out
blood and fire
bad decisions
that's alright
welcome to my silly life

miss "no way, it's all good"
it didn't slow me down
always second guessing
under estimated
look, i'm still around

pretty, pretty please
don't you ever, ever feel
like your less than
less than perfect
pretty, pretty please
if you ever, ever feel
like you are nothing
you are perfect to me

you're so mean
when you talk
about yourself
you are wrong
change the voices
in your head
make them like you instead

so complicated
look happy
you'll make it
filled with so much hatred
such a tired game
it's enough
i've done all i can think of
chased down all my demons
i've seen you do the same

pretty, pretty please
don't you ever, ever feel
like your less than
less than perfect
pretty, pretty please
if you ever, ever feel
like you are nothing
you are perfect to me