Friday, September 30, 2011


this is a dance about addiction and the way it can literally break us apart.
the emotion is overwhelming.
i posted it on my other blog a while back and then i realized today how much it really applies to everything i have been talking about on here.
take a second to watch it.
it is breathtaking.

whimsically strange

i did a little bit of soul searching today while looking through old pictures and i realized something about myself.
im weird
like really weird
and i always have been.
i have been called it for years and years but now i fully get it.
here is example a, b, c, d, e, f, and g to prove my case.
a) underwear on the head. not just any underwear; my brothers underwear. i guess it started early.
b) spongebob costume. i wore this around in public. and no, it wasnt halloween.
 c) yes those are 50 cent fake tattoos turned into a sleeve. and yes i wore this in public. even to a concert i was working at.
d) nerdy costume. but i DO wear my hair like that on a normal day. rockin the side ponytail napoleon dynamite style.
e) i dont think much can be said about this.
f) this picture is all sorts of awful. but hey...i am most certainly rockin that alligator head like im americas next top model.
g) that is in fact a toilet seat cover. on my head. not sure why but its there.

some people think the term "weird" is bad
and i guess i use to be offended when people would call me it.
but according to dictionary. com weird is:
fantastic; bizarre
and bizarre means:
markedly unusual in appearance, style, or general character and often involving unexpected elements; outrageously or whimsically strange; odd:
i think i can be okay with that.
i am me and as far as i am concerned no one else can be.
so why not be proud of the weird, strange, unusual person i am?
when was normal ever fun?


i have struggled with feeling feminine since i can remember. i grew up with an older brother and spend most of my childhood around his friends. i would ride bikes, roll around in the dirt, and chase them around the backyard with our laser tag sets. i loved being "one of the boys" because lets face it; guys are much easier to spend a lot of time with. they are simple and easy. the perfect recipe for a good time.

as i got older and into my teenage years it was always my best friend, her boyfriend, his friends, and me. we were always hanging out with the boys, playing mini golf, getting into some form of trouble, and driving around hitting trash cans in the wee hours of the morning. i think its then that i realized i had a struggle with feeling feminine. i had been so use to being around the guys and being "one of the guys" that i completed neglected all actions of being a girl. i farted around anyone (especially the guys during a game of doorknob), burped, laughed unnaturally loud, and made inappropriate comments all the time. i was obnoxious, in your face, and didn't show any signs of being "girly". not that there is nothing wrong by any means with being a tomboy but i realized that when the guys in the group i had feelings for didn't like me back it was because they thought of me as just one of the guys. i was put in the "friend zone". i had always prided myself on not being like other girls but in the attempts to be cool around the guys and fit in i denied myself the rights of being a girl. which i desperately wanted to be. and in all reality guys don't wanna date "one of the guys", they want a girl.

i have also struggled with feeling feminine because my association with what "feminine" truly means is horribly distorted. my best friend is well liked by the male sex. guys just like her. and who is to blame them?! shes cute, funny, smart, and feisty. shes also five foot nothing and weighs about 100 pounds. she is in all means of the word dainty and petite. and guys love that. on the other hand i am 5'7, definitely not 100 pounds, and very rarely, if ever get attention from guys. in my mind i thought in order to be considered a girl and be treated like one i had to look like her. dainty. petite. small. and lets be honest...those are things i could never be no matter how badly i wish that would change. because my genes are different and unfortunately even plastic surgery cant really change that.

i also realized that the two of us are treated differently because of our size differences. like when we would go on trips with our guy friends and we had to cross the river. they could simply just pick her up and carry her across. me? ha that's a different story. i would fumble across the rocks and end up with my feet soaking wet. i wasn't able to be carried across safely and dry because in all reality, they couldn't carry me. but in my mind i was telling myself that she is being treated like a lady because shes small and girly and i was treated like just another person on the street because i am big and not worthy of that treatment. for a long time i was truly jealous of my friend because i felt like she got the royal treatment everywhere we went because of how she looked. and in all reality, that's probably mostly true. but then i realized that being envious of her and letting that destroy my self esteem wasn't her fault and it wasn't getting anything accomplished.

to this day i still struggle with being feminine but in a totally different way.i abandoned my farting and dirty joke telling self years ago but i still do get treated different because of my size. now i try to not let that effect me as much. but i wont wear vans anymore because i feel like they make me look manly. i wont wear certain colors or styles of clothing because they accentuate my swimmer shoulders. i stopped wearing band tshirts or any tshirts for that matter because they weren't girly enough. i cant stand baggy pants because i have no butt and they make me look like an overweight thirteen year old boy. i have so many self proclaimed rules that i lead my life by that getting dressed is completely exhausting. i constantly think, "will this make me look pretty, feminine, and girly?" and i constantly compare myself to every girl i meet. its overwhelming and draining. but i feel like i have to work overtime to gain back those years i lost in the in between phases of my life.

then there's the hair. my latest struggle.up until two days ago i had been growing out my hair for the past two years. i had long, curly, chocolate brown hair and i loved it. its what i had always wanted. but i got to the point where i needed something new. i hang out with a huge group of boys so i decided to get their input. most of them ignored my question but a few were adamant about me NOT cutting my hair. they kept saying, "long hair is feminine and girly". which is great because hey look! i have long hair! so that should mean i am feminine and girly right? the exact confirmation i have been dying for for the past twenty two years of my life. i spent hours online before my hair appointment looking on discussion boards and yahoo answers to see if guys like longer or shorter hair more and about 99% of the answers came back long hair.i was in a dilemma because i wanted to cut my hair but i felt guilty that by cutting it i would be denying myself that feeling of femininity i have been so long dying to feel.

but as i was sitting in the chair at the salon i had a realization. even if i have hair down to the floor and its gorgeous and healthy and wonderful and everyone praises me for it that wont make me feminine. because being feminine comes from inside of us. from that fragile place in every girls heart that longs to be a princess rescued in her tower.

so, i chopped it off and dyed it a redpurplebrown color. my long, curly, chocolate brown hair is now gone. it wasn't a huge drastic moment but i took off a good seven or eight inches. even typing this now my hair just resting on my shoulders makes me feel a little anxious. i keeping thinking, "where is the rest of it? where is my hair!?" and to be honest, i mostly cut it BECAUSE i was told by so many not to do it. and surprisingly, i am happy with it! last night the boys i hang out with saw my hair and i was so nervous they were going to call me ugly or some awful name but funny enough they didn't even notice! i asked them what they thought and they said, "its not that short." one guy asked me, "why did you do that?" but other then that they didn't seem to notice.

how stupid can i be that i thought they would be effected by my hair cut. but i wore it confidently and proudly and that is the thing that guys notice.

and sure, rapunzel threw her hair down the castle wall for her prince to come save her and unfortunately i cannot do that now with my short, layered, brownishred hair.

 but i guess that just means i might have to wait a little bit longer.
or he will have to find another way to come find me :)

my struggle with feeling feminine and beautiful is a long road that won't be ending soon. but i feel like making decisions for myself like i did with my hair are the stepping stones to loving the person that i am. i can't expect to be treated like a feminine lady by others if i cant even treat myself like i am one.

anyways, those are my thoughts as of today. thank you everyone for the continuous support and encouragement <3

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

dear _____,

i feel your eyes on me
burning right through my walls
tearing apart my covered up self
when will this be good enough?
when will all that i am satisfy you?
because you can never be satisfied
you cannot be quenched
your thirst for perfection is haunting
with every lie i tell myself
i am fueling your power of deception
that what you show is how i am suppose to be
no i will not be taken prisoner to your trickery anymore
perfection cannot be reached
and i know i will never be one of those girls
the "perfect ones"
flawlessness from head to toe
the envy of every girls eye
the lust of every mans touch
i can batter and bruise myself
scar and tear myself apart til there is nothing left
and despite doing all these things
i will never reach this vision
this vision of perfection
because even if i torture myself into this nothingness
day after day
i will still be me on the inside
which to you will never be enough

i have one shining light in the darkness of this despair
and though i might not be perfect on the outside like society shows us we "should be"
i have Something that is perfect inside of me
Something singing life into my soul
unlike you who scream death into my self worth
i have Something whispering hope into my dreams
faith into my veins
and love for myself into my heart
i have the ultimate beauty inside of me
that isn't made up of makeup plastered faces and flawless bodies
its made up of overflowing love and beauty
something that cannot be reached by starvation and self abuse
but by self sacrifice and abandonment of self hatred
and though i still look at myself
i take comfort in knowing that i was made in the image of perfection
and that the person i am wasn't a mistake
i was carefully pieced together
i am beautifully and wonderfully made
and i am starting to see that its okay to be me
imperfect in many ways
and damaged
but finally starting to love the person i was meant to be
even though she'll never be perfect

Saturday, September 24, 2011

self induced hell

i cant catch my breath
gasping, inhaling, clutching my chest
trying to find some form of air to fill these desperate lungs
my thoughts chill me to the bone
tearing down wall after wall put up
trying to keep these negative thoughts out
the banging in my chest is the only thing letting me know i am still alive

the clanging around inside echos through my body
beating in every limb and fingertip
moving its way deep into my core
these moments, these painful, destructive, moments
are the only thing that strangely brings me peace
because the pain lets me know im alive
and that maybe one day they will be over
to never return
these desolate moments alone
clinging to feelings of self hatred
when i feel like i will never win
i remember that i am still here
much alive

and that my lungs are still gasping for hope
that my heart is still beating for something

other than this self induced hell

Friday, September 23, 2011

the f word

you have all heard it before. easy to say. even easier to spell. short. to the point. simple. everyone knows what it means. there is no need to look it up in the dictionary. and even worse it shoots out like venom and quickly infects anyone its aimed at. such an easy word to say.

fat girl. fat thighs. fat face. fat stomach. fat ankles. fat hands. fat cheeks. fat. fat. fat.

if i had a penny for every time i heard a person refer to another by this word-- i would be the richest person alive.

what a disgusting reality.

i have been called every variation of this word but for some reason the real thing stings much more. the association with this word is so negative, so heavy, so painful.

how many time when you are telling a friend about a girl you cant stand have you said, "oh yeah, the fat girl" or the "fat one" or the "big one"? or how many times when you find out your ex boyfriend is dating someone new does your friend comfort you by saying, "don't worry though, she's fat" and strangely enough you find comfort in that?

but then on the opposite side of things when you are talking about a girl of normal size do you say, "oh the average weight girl" or "the skinny girl"? never. because for some reason weight is instantly not important.

i can honestly say that NEVER in my life have i called a girl or person fat. especially as an insult. i have consciously made a decision to not point that out because honestly...whats the point?

calling someone fat doesn't make me skinnier.
calling someone fat doesn't make me prettier.
calling someone fat doesn't make them any less of a person.

and in all reality it would make ME less of a person.

even when someone calls another person fat not as an insult it still makes me feel sick. because instantly it takes who that person is as a person and throws it out the window. by putting that fat label on someone it takes away from all the other wonderful things they are. it insantly says THIS is what is really important about that person. nothing else they have to offer.

i recently found out i have been referred to as "big katie" and "fat katie". the reality of that hurt because it made me realize how much my weight is seen by other people. but then. it pissed me off quite frankly. because how many of my other friends have a quirkly little title before their name exposing their biggest insecurities. like pimple sarah? b.o. dan? freakishly tall mike? saggy boobs kendra? (those are all made up people by the way). would that be socially acceptable? what if i walked into a party and said, "hey stuff-your-bra-to-make-your-boobs-look-bigger amanda! how are you?" how would people react? I'll tell you. they would freak out! call me some variation of the b word and tell me i am malicious. but if someone calls me "fat katie" its okay because i laughed it off.

NO its not okay.

the fact of the matter is everyone is insecure about something. but exposing someones weight seems to be the most socially accepted because people laugh it off and joke about it to hide how it really feels. no one wants their insecurities brought to the attention of others. would you want yours talked about casually like the weather? probably not.

think about how many times you have referred to someone as fat. or joked with a friend about them being fat. or about someone else being fat. think about how many times you've said the word fat?

then thing about how many times was that word used to uplift someone? to give them encouragement? once? twice?
probably never.

fat is a negative word. an evil word. it is cancer to self esteem. it echos through the insecure's mind and buries itself deep into the crevices of their hearts.

the next time you are describing someone think about the adjectives you are using. think about how many times a day you say something about the way a person looks to describe them. and realize just like the "f word" our parents taught us about, its just as vile, just as destructive, and should be treated the same way.

Friday, September 2, 2011


look into the mirror who's inside there
the one with the long hair
same old me again today

my outsides are cool
my insides are blue
everytime i think im through
its because of you
ive tried different ways
but its all the same
at the end of the day i have myself to blame
im just trippin

you can buy your hair if it wont grow
you can fix your nose if he says so
you can buy all the make up that mac can make
but if you cant look inside you
find out who am i to
be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty

i feel pretty
oh so pretty
i feel pretty and witty and bright

never insecure until i met you
now i’m being stupid
i used to be so cute to me
just a little bit skinny
why do i look to all these things
to keep you happy

maybe get rid of you
and then i’ll get back to me