no pity party here.

last weekend i celebrated my friend joes 21st birthday in style. being the last one out of our group to turn 21 we all decided it would be fun to go all out. so, we got a party bus. and let me tell you. it was SO much fun! about twenty of us piled in the fancy party bus complete with an ice filled bar, complimentary champagne, and a booming stereo. we laughed, we joked, and had an amazing time. all in all it was probably one of the most fun nights i have had in my whole life. i feel blessed to have friends to spend quality time with and the opportunities to do an awesome thing like we did.

and in truth. i had a blast. which was something that i wasn't sure i was going to have. see, i was one out of the only five girls on the bus and the rest were guys. a few of which i kinda have crushes on. and i was worried that i would be worried when i was on the bus. the other girls i hang out with are gorgeous, thin, and the guys drool all over them. i got really anxious, started fussing, and got a little moody to be honest. but the weird thing was once i was on the bus all of my insecurities were gone.

sure i had a little liquid courage to keep me motivated but the WHOLE NIGHT i didn't once think a negative thought about myself. i wasn't aware until the next day that i was the biggest girl on the bus and that my bangs got sweaty and fell out of my bobby pin. i didn't stress out that my makeup was virtually smudged across my whole face and that my tight curls lost shape and zig zagged in every which way. i didn't think about any of that. in all honesty i wasn't really thinking about what i looked like at all. and when i went to the bathroom i didn't allow myself to look in the mirror. and for the first time in years i wore a skirt without dark tights or leggings to cover my legs up. i rocked a tank top and skirt and owned it like it was the easiest thing in the world even though it was absolutely terrifying.

a few days later when i saw pictures from the evening i had a mini heart attack when i saw how awful, gross, and ugly i really looked but for some reason it didn't linger and bother me for days after like it normally would have. i was so carefree that night that no picture with 23847 double chins could take that away from me.

because in that moment. in that entire evening i was me. i was confident. i was HAPPY. and even though writing this now it feels artificial it wasn't that night. i was genuinely happy with myself. and i know that  its a step in the right direction. even if its a little baby step.

thats the birthday boy himself mister joe :)

my partner in crime and me on the bus. i wouldnt have made it that night without her.

me and tim. probably one of the nicest guys i know :)

some of the group <3

natural kind of beauty.

every since i was younger i remember being told that guys like all natural girls. that there is something simple yet beautiful about them. that they are elegant. timeless.

but when i look at the kind of girls that most guys go for, there definitely seems to be a huge lack in all natural and a big heap of dark makeup, perfectly fixed hair, and clothes that look like they were painted on. i thought all the people who told me that natural girls were pretty were just trying to make me feel better and would lie when they said i looked beautiful without makeup.

and i definitely don't think there is anything wrong with girls who dress up and make themselves look good. but as a young high school girl who never wore much make up and had an awful widows peek and down the middle parted hair i was constantly in conflict. because the girls who caked on makeup and wore revealing clothes got the boyfriends. and i knew that that wasn't the type of attention i wanted but i got to the point where i need SOME attention. even if it was bad. i wanted to have a guy fall for me in my all natural state like i had been promised would happen. but i realized that would never happen. so i got bangs, straightened my poofy, frizzy, wavy locks, wore dark make up, and tried to dress more feminine and revealing. and it worked. i got attention. and just as i thought it definitely was not the good kind. but i thought if a guy was attracted to me in any way it was better than not having any at all. but i wasn't myself and i didn't feel comfortable. so after a couple horrible run ins and a few years i decided i would stick with my tshirts and cardigans, lost the purple and teal eye shadow and replaced it with more natural colors, and started wearing my hair in its wavy, crazy, wild natural state.

and don't get me wrong. i still absolutely love to get dressed up, have sultry makeup, and feel like i am attending a red carpet premiere. as i have gotten older its something i look forward to and enjoy. nothing can make me feel more feminine than having curled hair, long eye lashes, and a pair of heels on. and when guys stop and look at me for a brief moment when i walk into a room wearing a little black dress and bright red lipstick i feel like a movie star. 

but for me its the time after that i feel the prettiest. actually, when i feel almost beautiful. when the sucker-inners are on the floor and the heels are replaced with buzz lightyear socks. when my make up is still on but a little smudged, my curls have loosened and fallen, and i slip into my favorite pair of sweatpants and old ratty band tshirt. because that is me. that's the girl i long to be everyday. the girl i want to show the world. the girl who isn't afraid to be seen undone or incomplete. the girl who use to get scolded every holiday for taking off her pretty christmas shoes the moment she walked in the door to run around the backyard barefoot. the girl who has hair that curls and flips and waves all over the place and the girl who washes off her make up the moment she walks in the door. the girl who hates jeans, shoes, and bras and wishes sometimes she was born in the 60's so she could be a hippy and not have to wear clothes. the girl she is when no one else is looking.

and she is the girl i love being. the relaxed girl after the party and festivities are over. and i realized recently that i am the happiest when i am her. when i allow myself to strip down to the basics and just be comfortable (which is something i completely forgot about.) and of course i feel pretty when i dress up but the whole time i am picking and pulling and stretching and fixing. but when i crawl into my bed after a long night out i can breathe easy (probably because im not wearing spanx anymore) and know i am the most natural me i can ever be.

and maybe they were right all along. maybe guys do like girls when they are in their natural state. because when i am all kate and all natural i feel beautiful. and when you feel beauty, you create beauty. and that isn't something that a little black dress or make up can fake. that something that only comes from being yourself.

so tonight i am going to dress up as pretty as i can for my friends birthday party. i am gonna squeeze myself into a pair of spanx and i am gonna worry too much about how my hair looks all night. my feet will hurt, my thighs will rub, and my make up will run. but when the nights over and all the boys have gone and i am finally alone i will slip on my old senior sweats from high school and my favorite old vw bus tshirt and i will smile to myself. because i can finally be myself. and i can feel beautiful for the first time all night.

one day.

one day
some day
i will be one of the lucky ones
captivating
alluring
and completely mesmerizing
i will steal your attention
and you won't wanna ever see me go
i will be the star of the show
and loved by all
i will be light
i will be free
i will be complete

but until then
i will be the unlucky one
unnoticed
ashamed
and invisible 
the sidekick in the corner
waiting on the bench
for one day
or some day
when i will be more than this
because i am heavy
i am a prisoner
and i am broken. 

hearts song

i was so unique
now i feel skin deep
i count on the make up to cover it all
crying myself to sleep cause i cannot keep their attention 
i thought i could be strong
but it's killing me

does someone hear my cry?
i'm dying for new life

i want to be beautiful
make you stand in awe
look inside my heart,
and be amazed
i want to hear you say
who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love
and beautiful

sometimes i wish i was someone other than me
fighting to make the mirror happy
trying to find whatever is missing
won't you help me back to glory

i want to be beautiful
 make you stand in awe
look inside my heart,
and be amazed
i want to hear you say
who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love
and beautiful

<3

beautiful- bethany dillion

relationsinkingships

relationships.

to begin to even start talking about relationships would require a whole entire blog dedicated to the subject alone.  but don't worry. i am not writing this post to talk about mushy gushy romance. i am writing to talk about the lack of it in my life.

for as long as i have been attracted to the opposite sex it has never gone well for me. i tend to fall for the bad boys, the rebels, the ones with serious problems, and the guys who generally don't give a crap about anything. especially, me. but the reason why i fall for these guys isn't because their hard exterior is tantalizing. its because somehow they seek me, the vulnerable, out like a prey and capture me when when i least expect it. i fall victim to their charming manipulative ways.

i have been told by dozens of people i should write a book about my ridiculous and sometimes humorous endeavors with men and who knows; maybe one day i will. there are way too many to list and even more to painful to talk about. but this post isn't to talk or bash then men who have come in and out of my life.

its to talk about me.

see, the problem with me is i think when a guy treats me badly i deserve it. i attribute it to my low self esteem and the fact that i never thought i was good enough or pretty enough for a guy who would actually appreciate me. i have had a guy break up with me because he said he "settled for me" and when i asked him what he meant he simply looked me up and down and made a disgusted face. and yes it hurt. it damn well crushed me. i cried for days in the fetal position in my bed (and sadly didn't shower...it wasn't pretty). but all the while i thought i was getting what i deserved. that somehow i deserved to be crushed for attempting to find a relationship because who are we kidding...who would ever want to date a girl like me?

i have never had an "official relationship" or anything resembling a normal one at that. i have always wanted it to be easy. boy meets girl. boy likes girl. boy goes after girl. boy falls for girl. boy makes girl his girlfriend. so, so simple. with me its never been that way. because boy has always been ashamed of this girl. i have never had a guy want to make me his official girlfriend for the world to know. no, we had to date in secrecy because his mom wouldn't "allow it" although in reality the only reason why is because he was embarrassed of me. it took me almost 10 months to figure that out. and that's not the first time. i have had guys want to be around me or call me only when they are drunk. guys who like me just because i was always there. guys who came after me and pretended to like me just to challenge my purity. and guys pretend to like me just to get closer to my friends. no guy has ever seen me and thought, "wow, i must be with her."

all i have ever wanted was to walk in public and hold hands. literally. when i see couples with linked arms, holding hands, or with their arms around each other something hurting inside of me starts screaming why? why cant i have that? don't i deserve to be shown around? don't i deserve to not be hidden due to embarrassment?

and i now know that the answer is YES.

yes i deserve to be something that is fought for and cherished. to not be ashamed of. i deserve to be kissed in public. to be taken on a date. i deserve to have a man who actually cares about me be in my life and not use me for his own personal gain. i deserve to be treated and adored like a princess. like something special.

because i am something special. and all those other men who have come in and out of my life and tore up my insides never saw that. but you know what? that's okay. because they don't deserve to see me for who i am and to get to spend time with me.

because i am special. i am unique. and yes, i am flawed. but that doesn't change the fact that i deserve a romance and love that is not perverted by selfishness and false ideas of beauty.

and i am not blind. i know how men view women. especially me. i know i am a big girl. i know i have a big nose and forehead. i know that when i laugh and talk i don't do it pretty and gracefully. i know that my hair is messy more than its put together and that i am not the kind of girl most guys would pick out of the crowd.

but i also know that i don't deserve to be treated the way i have been. i don't deserve to have guys play with my emotions constantly and use me when its convenient for them. i deserve a romance like nicholas sparks writes. like in the notebook. to have a man want to be around me so much that he would literally jump onto a moving ferris wheel to ask me out. i deserve to have a guy make me a telescope and to name a star after me because he knows what i care about. or to have a man help me with the things on my life list. i deserve a man who will love me all through his time in war and fight to get me back when the pain is too unbearable.

i deserve this.

and i deserve all those things despite all the reasons i have told myself i don't.

and i know all these things. i really do. now its time to start believing them and put them into effect in my life. its not gonna be easy. im gonna have to say no and protect myself. i am going to cry, scream, and fight but in the end its all i can do to keep my heart together. because this heavy heart cannot bear many more burdens or hurts until it finally falls apart.