dear kate,

ive missed you. god, ive missed you terribly. i convinced myself that you weren't gone but once i took the time to stop and look you were no where to be found. ive been keeping myself busy to not have to miss you. i numb the hurt with constant plans and meaningless technology because i don't want to think about you anymore.

but i do. and i cant hide it anymore.

i miss you smiling throughout the day because you feel pretty when the sunlight is shining on your skin or when your favorite song comes on the radio that you aren't afraid to sing it loud. i miss you writing down your thoughts on napkins and on the back of old receipts because you are afraid the moment will pass and that thought will be gone forever. i miss how you use to long for the ocean. that sandy, salty water could always mend any wound and that the smell of trees reminds you of a time when you were invincible. i miss that you weren't afraid to live or to cry or to feel. that you were carefree. 

that you were free. 

i miss all the things that use to make you you.
because you aren't her anymore.
you're gone.

when i close my eyes and breath deep and slow i can remember a time when you were happy. when i felt like everything was going to work out. when i knew deep in my heart it was all going to be okay. i honestly don't know what happened. maybe i stopped trying. maybe i should have fought harder. maybe i got too consumed with all the bad that i forgot about all the good. the good. ahh i use to believe there was so much good in you. but i let others convince me otherwise. im so sorry i didn't believe in you enough to tell them they are wrong. i know they are wrong but why cant i say it? why cant i truly believe it? 

i wish i was stronger. for you. but im trying. im trying to remember that smile. remember how it felt to feel beautiful. trying to long for the things that use to make my heart alive. i want you back. i want me back. i don't want to be a shell of the girl i use to be. i want to be the beating heart girl i am meant to be. 

i want to be happy and look in the mirror and say, "it is good."
i want to smile just because i can't help it.
i don't want to miss the girl i use to be anymore because i finally found her again. 

i want to be better.

i want to be stronger.

i want to be me again.

i want to be carefree.

i want to be free.

uncomfortable

monday was a good day for me.
in fact, i delcared it would be good.
and for the most part: it was.

i woke up in a good mood. i got to work on time and even had time to make something for breakfast. although the day seemed to drag on for an eternity, when i got home from work i changed into my new work out clothes and took off to the park to start my new walking/jogging routine. i listened to music and walked around the park that was filled with dog walkers, joggers, and disk golfers. i traveled over little bridges and under beautiful shady trees. i ate healthy all day, drank way over my eight glasses of water, and though the florida air was making my breaths harder to take in- i felt amazing.

another thing i decided to start this week is to try to go a whole entire week without wearing a pair of spanx, or a sucker-inner (that's usually what i call it.) i feel confined and trapped and i realized that i preach about loving your natural body but i squish mine down with spandex every chance i get. so this week i decided to be sucker-inner free.

take that spandex. 

but i digress.

after eating a little dinner i made my way up to meet some people for monday night bible study. i hadn't had any caffeine all day and was dragging so i decided to get some black tea to sip on during study. i am a regular at the starbucks we have bible study at and see them all on a weekly basis. one of the girls behind the counter took my order and as i was paying she asked me a strange question.

"are you uncomfortable?"

it definitely took me a second to process what she asked. all i could think of is that it was such a weird question to ask someone. i mean, ive seen her there before but i wouldn't consider her a friend or someone i talk to other than the here and there chatting. i don't even know her name so why is she asking if im uncomfortable?

so i responded, "uncomfortable? what do you mean?"

and then she said the unthinkable.

"oh, aren't you pregnant?"

pregnant?
PREGNANT?
as in with child?

i tried to play it cool and not embarrass her and said, "oh no im not. sorry."

i could tell she realized her mistake and tried to play it off swearing it was me or maybe one of my other friends. i pretended one of my other friends was pregnant and said that we look alike so its hard to tell and laughed through it all. i didn't want to make her feel bad.

i should have said, "well now i am uncomfortable." but i didn't want to make the situation worse. i smiled, laughed, and apologized for the confusion.

it wasn't until i sat down that it truly hit me. why on earth was i the one who apologized? why was i trying to not embarrass her? why were my concerns on her feelings when she didn't even consider mine before she opened her mouth? she is the one who mortified me and said the one thing you never, ever, ever say to a woman unless you have attended her baby shower, seen the sonogram, and physically felt the baby kick. if none of those things happen you NEVER ask a woman if shes pregnant. even if she looks 10 months pregnant.

my first thought was to leave. flee. run as far away as i could. but my bible was already at the table and there was no way to make a quick escape. my second thought was, "why didn't i wear my stupid spanx?"

the next few hours all i felt was embarrassment. i kept looking down at my non-pregnant belly and wishing i could crawl in a hole somewhere. my mind starting racing at the ideas of all the things that i could use to patch up this hole that got punched right in my stomach.

but i had to tell myself no.
NO.
no i wont let you go on a binge and ruin everything good in this day because someone said something stupid. no i wont let you self sabotage and self medicate. no.
no.
no.

and you know what?
i listened to myself.
and instead of going home and stuffing my face with everything i could find i went over to a friends house. and we walked down the dock and hung our feet over the edge and i tossed all those thoughts into the sea under a full bright moon.

there will always be stupid people who come your way. there will always be a billboard, magazine, and tv show that makes you feel less than worthy. there will always be "that something" for you. but its the moments after that matter. its the do or die. its what you do when you think no one else is watching. when every lie you hear starts to taste bitter instead of like a sweet escape. when you have every option to break but you chose to hold yourself together. even just one last time.

i may bend.
i may scar.
but i will not break.

never, ever again.

in my skin

i always feel like im fitting too tightly. that im just barely meeting the weight requirements. you must be this weight to be comfortable in life. when i get on an elevator i pray that another bigger person doesn't get on because we will all go down. we maxed out the limit. 

i maxed out the limit.

but mostly im always feeling too big. like when mario gets one of those magical mushrooms and sizes up. but unfortunately there is nothing magical about my large body. and unlike mario i don't get to shrink back down after a while.

i am always in the way. in the hallway. in the kitchen. in the aisle at the grocery store. in every room i go in. im always blocking the road like a giant boulder. can someone grab a bulldozer and get her out of the way please?

and to be honest i cant breath. i squeeze into tiny plane seats and pray my seat belt clicks. or like the time i got asked to get off a roller coaster because the harness wouldn't snap shut. the walk of shame i had to take past girls from school giggling because i was too big. the pain and humiliation pressed on me harder than that harness ever did. and my clothes. they hug and grasp me in all the wrong places and i count down the minutes til i can get home and take off the sucker-inners and spanx. all of those things that hold me in throughout the day and melt onto my skin. all of the things that make me take short and shallow breaths. and all of the money poured into objects that make me feel just a tiny bit smaller. 

but i realized that no matter what i always feel too big for my own skin. despite the spanx and "look instantly slimmer" clothing. looking at myself undressed is like looking at a distorted image. things are shifted and changed and not where they are suppose to be. i feel like ive reached my limit and maxed out my living space within the confines of my skin.

i wish i could bulldoze it down and build from the ground up. lay a smaller foundation and fill the rooms with less stuff. less garbage. but it doesn't work that way unfortunately. its not something you can just start all over.

my wish is to take up less room. to fill less of a chair. to sit comfortably in a restaurant booth. to not be terrified of the middle seat on a plane. the constant worries and planning makes my head spin. everything is mapped out and every possible problem is analyzed and stressed on before it ever has a chance to happen.

i want to fill up space with life not body. i want to command the attention of a room with jokes and laughter not murmurs of, "have you seen her recently"'s. but most of all i want to fit comfortably in my own skin. like it is a custom gown that was designed just for me. i want to dance in it all night, run my hands across its silky frame, and love everything about it. i want to fit in it perfectly. and like a gown...i want to feel beautiful in it. a beauty that seeps in through tiny little pores and makes you smile because you are just so damn happy.

i don't want to be too big.
i don't want to feel like everything is too tight.
i don't want to feel like a stranger in someone else's skin.
i want to be like mama bears chair in goldie locks.
i want to be just the right size.

perfect.

"What is it about different that makes us think it's not perfect? We set the bar higher and higher and once we reach it, this perfection, what have we achieved? It's never enough...The concept of perfection is not flawless or ripped from a magazine. It's happiness. Happiness with all its messiness and not-quite-thereness. Its knowing that life is short and the moments we choose to fill our cups up with should be purposeful and rich. That we should be present for life. That we should drink deeply. That's perfection."

-Kelle Hampton

i need your help.

i have talked a lot on the subject of beauty throughout one size fits most. ive shared my struggles with self esteem and never feeling like i was quite pretty enough. i talked about times when i felt completely beautiful and other times when i absolutely hated everything about myself. i realized recently though that the way i see beauty is completely different than the way others see beauty. and it got me thinking about how each and every person defines beauty.

so i decided to ask:
how do you define beauty?
or when do you feel the most beautiful?

for girls: is it a feeling? something you can create? is it a certain outfit you wear? or the way that someone looks at you?

for guys: is it the way a woman carries herself? is it all physical? is it different for each woman?

you tell me.
comment on the blog.
message me on facebook.
send me an email.

tell me what makes you feel the most radiantly beautiful. or what makes a woman beautiful to you.

i am excited to see what you all think.
<3

new life. old me.

one thing i told myself i wanted to do when i moved to florida was be a new person. i wanted to leave the insecurities, struggles, and haunting past in the dust and never look back. last summer when i visited i really loved the freedom of not knowing anyone here. i didn't worry about wearing make up all the time or about the way my hair looked. i wore goofy sun hats and was more concerned with the sun on my skin than whatever clothes i was wearing. i promised myself it would be like that again. this new life would be different. 

but unfortunately, i haven't been upholding my self made promise. i have found myself fidgeting with my hair so much that one of my friends literally yells at me to stop. it takes me too long to decide what to wear and whenever i do make a decision i spend the remainder of the evening pulling and fixing and trying to make myself look good. i stress and over analyze everything.

but why?
why is this time different?

i have been here the same time length as i was last summer but this time it seemed to be harder. i have been asking myself this question since i got here and i think i might finally know why.

this was suppose to be my new life. and i was suppose to be new too. now don't get me wrong. i wasn't under the illusion that as soon as i moved here pounds would fall off of me and my body would magically transform into something beautiful. but i was hoping i would be different. that i would be able to let go of all that garbage i cling to for reassurance in my self disgust. that i would finally get better or whatever that means. that i could let go and live my life not plagued by doubt and insecurity. 

it has been hard this time around because i have started to make friends and people have gotten to know me. the real me. not the better version i was hoping to have finished by the time i settled in.

kate 2.0.  

i guess in all reality i just really want to be liked. i know that sounds so petty and childish but it's true. i want people to really see me and like me. i want to be the kind of person people want to be friends with. i want to be pretty. put together. i want to seem like i have it all figured out.

but i don't. 

im not put together. im flawed. cracked. broken. imperfect.

and i don't have it all figured out. heck, i haven't even figured myself out yet.

but i am starting to think that that's all okay. because i've met new people since i moved here and for some strange reason they do like me despite my grocery list of flaws. 

im not sure who i will become or what will be my story as time goes on out here. but i have hope that it will be something farther away from where i am now. a baby step in the right direction is still a step away from where i am now. and every day i make a move is a day i am closer to happiness. i can't leave who i was in the past and expect to become brand new. that would mean every struggle i have gone through and all of the progress i made was for nothing.

i know i'll become the woman i want to be one day.
 she just needs a little more time to get ready. 

a beautiful weekend.

i felt beautiful this weekend. actually, three times i felt honest to goodness beautiful. from the tips of my toes to the very deepest place in my soul. i know that's something weird to say but i guess the only way i can describe it is feeling completely content with who i am in every single way. and that's something i am not use to feeling.

friday night:

the night had definitely not gone according to plan and had turned into some kind of nightmare. but around midnight me and jordan decided to go to the beach. i had never been at night before and the stars were twinkling too sweet to go ignored. we had both dressed up earlier in the evening in dresses and skinny jeans and drew on eyeliner for our planned girls night that unfortunately never happened. we first climbed up the lifeguards tower and enjoyed the awesome view from being so high. eventually my feet started aching for cold sand to wiggle between my toes so we made our way to the waters edge. the moment our toes touched the warm water we both got the same idea at once. we stripped off our heels and skinny jeans and ran back towards the water with our mini dresses covering just enough that we weren't indecent. we splashed around, chased the waves, and danced in the water. we both sat down and let the waves wash over us. our wet and sandy dresses clung to our skin and yet we didn't care. we were happy, we were completely content with the universe, and we were beautiful. we laid in the sandy water for a long while and talked about life and love and regret. i remember walking away when it was starting to get too late and feeling like the ocean gave me something. something indescribable. i feel like i took a piece of the gorgeous emerald coast and buried deep into myself in the place only i can see. something just for me and something to keep always. it gave me a piece of freedom i never knew existed.

saturday night:

late in the evening i had been talking to a new friend i met here, steven, about the beaches and he asked me if i wanted to go with him. it was 10pm and i was in my pjs but i decided to go for it. he drove to my house and came to the front door to come get me when he had arrived. in all my years of spending time with guy friends i have never once had a guy come to my front door. i had never felt more feminine and girly opening it up and seeing someone waiting for me. he of course asked me how i was doing as soon as we started walking towards his truck and once we were driving he said it might be cold so we stopped by his house so he could get me a jacket. we went by starbucks and pumped caffeine into our veins before heading to the island. he played me his favorite songs and we sang along to the black keys as my hair whipped and tangled around in the passenger seat. we sat for a little bit while he played me some songs he had written and the waves complimented the guitar in a perfect harmony. we eventually walked through a hotel to get to the beach and as soon as my toes touched the sand a smile spread across my face. we left our shoes by the dock and took off towards the water. i slipped on his sweatshirt and the two of us walked down the beach with our feet getting tickled by the waves that stretched out to reach us then receded back to their home just to come back again. to be honest i don't know how long we were walking. we laughed as we got to know each other and walked until we knew it was almost too far. the thing i like about steven is i feel like ive known him all my life. that's how comfortable i am around him and only after knowing him a week. and the weird thing is that even though this could have been a romantic moment-it wasn't. because i know he doesn't feel that way for me and i want him in my life just as a friend. but as we walked down the beach i felt completely at peace. with myself and around this handsome guy i normally would have been insecure around. i played in the waves and got soaked from the waist down but i didn't worry about what he thought or how i looked. all i cared about was tasting the air. feeling the hard sand beneath my feet. and letting go of all the insecurities that would have normally ruined this moment for me. after we were walking in silence for a little bit he simply said, "im glad i met you" and i agreed. and not just because i made a new friend but because being around him makes me feel beautiful. and that's how ive always deserved to feel.
sunday morning:
i woke up early and got ready to go to church with my new friend patrick. i waved my hair, dusted on a purple eyeliner to make my eyes look especially blue, and slipped on one of my favorite sundresses. i wore a pair of bow flats and misted myself with a sunny perfume. i walked down the street to his house and the whole way there i gave thanks for how beautiful the day was. i met a few of his friends before church and smiled honestly when i met them. ive always been insecure about my smile but these three men made me smile genuinely and without worry. there was something good about their presence that made me want to be the best and truest version of myself. the service was great and i even sang along without trying to mute my voice so i wouldn't be heard. i laughed and smiled and joked without once thinking about the way i looked or how they were viewing me. because i honestly think they saw me for me. for who i am. and they didn't mind how she looked. i felt beautiful and sun kissed in the florida sunshine and like all the baggage and insecurities ive been toting around fell off of me like a cleansing rain.

of course throughout this weekend there were times i fixed my hair too much. moments i fiddled and bit my lip in nerves. and hours i stressed and cried over the way i looked. but there were three times this weekend that i felt the truest and most beautiful i have ever felt in my life. all three were different times and in different places. i was a different kate in every instance but still felt truly authentic. they might have been fleeting and momentary but i guess its a hope to hold on to and a goal to strive for.  the truth is the times i felt the most beautiful were the times i wasn't trying. and i would like to think that counts for a lot. because beauty isn't something manufactured. beauty is something created from deep inside ourselves and something felt in our entire being. and this weekend i felt that feeling truly from the bottom of my soul and i hope that's something i never forget.