dear body

i saw something online about this and though i feel silly, i feel its necessary for us. for us to move on from here. what i found said to write a letter to someone you've wronged. it can be a family member, a friend, or even an enemy. you don't have to give it to them. you can tuck it away in a dresser drawer somewhere. you can light a match and watch it burn til it's nothing but a pile of dust. or you can roll it up, put it in a glass bottle, and let it wash away into the sea. whichever way you decide to go the words you've been holding onto in your heart for so long will finally be out in the open. you will rid them from bouncing around the confines of your chest. you will finally be free of the pain that's been building.

so here is goes.

dear body,

i know we've had our ups and downs. to be honest, mostly we've had our downs. i have hated you, humiliated you, and tortured you. i've always wished you were something you are not and never once taken the time to appreciate anything you've done for me. i constantly focus on all your faults and never once thanked you for the good you've done. i am a hypocrite like that. i wish people wouldn't judge me for the way you look but all i do is constantly bash you for looking the way you do. i am your worst enemy. i should have stood up for you when someone would call you a name. i shouldn't have whispered venom into your skin every single time i looked at you in the mirror. i shouldn't have gone to extremes to try to change you. i shouldn't have gorged myself then purged myself. i should have tried to find ways to love you through all of the bad i saw. how can i expect people to see me for who i really am when all i am is a monster to myself? i have been evil, dangerous, and malicious to you. and i am so sorry for that. i wish there was something else i could offer but there is nothing i have left to give. just three words. i. am. sorry. i am sorry for so many things. but mostly i am sorry for hating you. for poking you. picking at you. pushing you. for never taking care of you. for never once being thankful that you are the reason i can wake up in the morning. that you are the reason i can get over sicknesses. that you are the reason my legs move one after another. i am sorry i have only focused on hating one part of you when there is so much more to you that i never took time to be appreciative of. i know we have a long journey ahead of us. and i can't promise i will always be good to you. but i can promise that i will try to be better. that i will try to love you. and i will try not to hurt you anymore. i want this new year to be a year of change. a heart change. a love change. a take care of us both change. and i hope i can give back to you the way you've always given to me.

i am sorry for the past.
but im hopeful for the future.

love,
kate

uncomfortable

monday was a good day for me.
in fact, i delcared it would be good.
and for the most part: it was.

i woke up in a good mood. i got to work on time and even had time to make something for breakfast. although the day seemed to drag on for an eternity, when i got home from work i changed into my new work out clothes and took off to the park to start my new walking/jogging routine. i listened to music and walked around the park that was filled with dog walkers, joggers, and disk golfers. i traveled over little bridges and under beautiful shady trees. i ate healthy all day, drank way over my eight glasses of water, and though the florida air was making my breaths harder to take in- i felt amazing.

another thing i decided to start this week is to try to go a whole entire week without wearing a pair of spanx, or a sucker-inner (that's usually what i call it.) i feel confined and trapped and i realized that i preach about loving your natural body but i squish mine down with spandex every chance i get. so this week i decided to be sucker-inner free.

take that spandex. 

but i digress.

after eating a little dinner i made my way up to meet some people for monday night bible study. i hadn't had any caffeine all day and was dragging so i decided to get some black tea to sip on during study. i am a regular at the starbucks we have bible study at and see them all on a weekly basis. one of the girls behind the counter took my order and as i was paying she asked me a strange question.

"are you uncomfortable?"

it definitely took me a second to process what she asked. all i could think of is that it was such a weird question to ask someone. i mean, ive seen her there before but i wouldn't consider her a friend or someone i talk to other than the here and there chatting. i don't even know her name so why is she asking if im uncomfortable?

so i responded, "uncomfortable? what do you mean?"

and then she said the unthinkable.

"oh, aren't you pregnant?"

pregnant?
PREGNANT?
as in with child?

i tried to play it cool and not embarrass her and said, "oh no im not. sorry."

i could tell she realized her mistake and tried to play it off swearing it was me or maybe one of my other friends. i pretended one of my other friends was pregnant and said that we look alike so its hard to tell and laughed through it all. i didn't want to make her feel bad.

i should have said, "well now i am uncomfortable." but i didn't want to make the situation worse. i smiled, laughed, and apologized for the confusion.

it wasn't until i sat down that it truly hit me. why on earth was i the one who apologized? why was i trying to not embarrass her? why were my concerns on her feelings when she didn't even consider mine before she opened her mouth? she is the one who mortified me and said the one thing you never, ever, ever say to a woman unless you have attended her baby shower, seen the sonogram, and physically felt the baby kick. if none of those things happen you NEVER ask a woman if shes pregnant. even if she looks 10 months pregnant.

my first thought was to leave. flee. run as far away as i could. but my bible was already at the table and there was no way to make a quick escape. my second thought was, "why didn't i wear my stupid spanx?"

the next few hours all i felt was embarrassment. i kept looking down at my non-pregnant belly and wishing i could crawl in a hole somewhere. my mind starting racing at the ideas of all the things that i could use to patch up this hole that got punched right in my stomach.

but i had to tell myself no.
NO.
no i wont let you go on a binge and ruin everything good in this day because someone said something stupid. no i wont let you self sabotage and self medicate. no.
no.
no.

and you know what?
i listened to myself.
and instead of going home and stuffing my face with everything i could find i went over to a friends house. and we walked down the dock and hung our feet over the edge and i tossed all those thoughts into the sea under a full bright moon.

there will always be stupid people who come your way. there will always be a billboard, magazine, and tv show that makes you feel less than worthy. there will always be "that something" for you. but its the moments after that matter. its the do or die. its what you do when you think no one else is watching. when every lie you hear starts to taste bitter instead of like a sweet escape. when you have every option to break but you chose to hold yourself together. even just one last time.

i may bend.
i may scar.
but i will not break.

never, ever again.

under the knife and microscope.

i cant tell you how many times i wished i had enough money to get plastic surgery. in high school i would write all the things i wanted changed in a dry erase marker on my mirror so when i got ready in the morning the words hung over my reflection looking back at me. soon they were all i saw. mostly i wanted a tummy tuck and i would read articles about the recovery process and the risks and everything and anything about it. i became an expert on the subject and planned on getting one when i turned 18.

but a few years ago i had a real change of heart. to be honest i am not sure what changed my mind but i realized that if i was to get a tummy tuck that it would be artificial. it wouldn't be me.  i would probably be happy with the way i looked on the outside but not happy with who i am on the inside. i would have the reverse effect of what i have now. i would look in the mirror and see a flatter tummy but i would know i didn't do it myself. i wouldn't be able to live with myself. and to me, it would be the same exact thing that i had been doing for years with my eating problems. always trying the extremes to control my body. this time i would just be going under the knife. taking it to that final step.

i also know that if i got one proceedure it would be a snowball effect. i am an all or nothing kind of person and soon i would be looking in the mirror evaluating every imperfection. once again, putting my insecurities under a microscope. first it would be my tummy. then maybe my nose. then my boobs. then my face. then my knees. then my butt. the list goes on and on.

because in all reality can we ever be 100% happy with our bodies? if we can change one thing...why not change it all? right? because our society tell us that we need to be this weight if we are this height. that we need to have those boobs. those biceps. that flat stomach. those long legs. we need to be perfect and the funny thing is NO ONE is all those things. and never will be.

i came upon this picture and an article this morning and it really puts all that i am saying in perspective.

this woman is beautiful and i think she has a gorgeous body. all those lines signify the surgeries she would have to obtain to have a body like barbie. This is a quote from the article. "Here’s a breakdown of what she'd need done to be the kind of doll women aspire to: a brow lift, a jaw line shave, rhinoplasty, a cheek and neck reduction, a chin implant, scooped-out shoulders, a breast lift, liposuction on her arms, and tummy tuck. And that’s just the half of her." that is a horrifyingly disgusting reality. a scooped out shoulder? chin implant? come on people. that woman has a completely healthy, normal, beautiful body. i read comments on the article and someone put:

"There is nothing wrong with having all those surgeries. I don't like the way they made it seem like a bad thing. She is fat, has a strong jaw lines, and a manish figure and she would benefit from at least a few of those procedures. Modern society and feminists are brainwashing us to believe that perfection is just a fragment of our imagination but its not. Plastic surgery helps people become better. Especially women."

i know i shouldn't read the comments because they always make me mad but really? perfection IS obtainable by plastic surgery? especially for women?

not even yahoo username mike d.

 that is absolutely ridiculous. i think that even if she got all those surgeries to become "perfect" that she wouldnt be happy. because happiness comes from within. its what fills us up with life. with beauty. my dear friend natalie wrote a beautiful blog and had this quote on there and i felt it was perfect for this.

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

its kind of like the pearl. the shells come in so many different shapes and colors, some pretty and some plain, but on the inside each pearl is uniquely beautiful. radiant. but what if the pearl was on the outside? what if you didnt have to crack the shell open to find the hidden beauty? or what if you found a gorgeous shell and cracked it open just to find nothing? the true beauty of the pearl lies within. what would be the point of the pearl trying to perfect its shell when the truly important part is what is inside?

and if i am being honest, i think plastic surgery is cheating. for my tummy tuck it would be the easiest way out. i wouldnt have the satisfaction of knowing i worked my butt off to get the result. sure, its hard. i have the hardest time losing weight. but having surgery to "enhance" my body would be just changing the god-given body i have artifically and realistically only temporarily and taking hard work and dedication out of it. where is the self satisfaction and confidence in that?

i am not against surgery when it is necessary but i definitely dont think plastic surgery is the answer to self esteem problems.

trust me i know. its not something a couple thousand dollars will change. its an internal thing. self esteem cannot be magically repaired by a sugery. its a yearly, monthly, weekly, daily, per second constant battle.

i know that weight isnt the only thing people want to change on their bodies too.

say you think your nose is too big? who cares! it was put on your face for a reason. and it brings attention to your face and highlights other wonderful features like your eyes and lips.

or you think your boobs are too small, not perky enough, or arent how you would like? so what! they are beautiful because they are on your body. they compliment your curves in a beautiful way that a boob job cant. they are natural. and that is beatiful and cant be faked or replicated.

i just think that we need to start loving our imperfections for all they offer to our bodies. they are the things that make us unique and a plastic doll or magazine gloss picture can never have those things.

and yes there are things we CAN change. like our weight. our abs. our muscles. and all the things that we can get by working hard and really truly trying to perfect the way we see ourselves, not trying to actually perfect ourselves.

what are the imperfections tiny or big that bother you? can you fix them? or can you learn to love them? what would you be like without them? who would you be without them?

“Sometimes we strive so hard for perfection that we forget that imperfection is happiness” - Karen Nave 

inner beauty

in class yesterday i had a heart dropping, stomach turning, inner body temperature boiling moment. and because of it my self esteem virtually fell off the chart.

the weird thing is no one said anything to me or called me any name. i didn't get a dirty look or have someone snicker when i walked by. it was in and of itself this picture.

(the sad thing it was so easy to find this. i went to google and typed in "inner beauty quotes" and it was near the top.)

this picture, caption and all, was on the guys binder who sits next to me. he dropped his pen and i reached over to pick it up for him and when i sat it on his desk it rested just on top of this picture tucked behind the plastic next to a picture of him and a few of his guy friends. he saw my eyes quickly dart across the image and i know he must have seen the pain fill me as they traced the words and took in their meaning. and instead of covering the binder or looking away he looked me right in the eyes.

and he smiled.

it wasn't a friendly smile. it was a, "guess what, this is about you" kind of smile. it was a, "i think you are ugly and fat" kind of smile. and it pissed me off. i wanted to throw his binder across the room and tell him how many people that picture is going to haunt and hurt. i wanted to punch him in his stupid nose and break it just like that picture broke something inside of me. i wanted to cause him pain. i wanted to tell him the million and one reason why that picture, no, those words, are hurtful and destructive. i wanted to make him see. i wanted to tell him everything.

but i didn't. do you know what i did?

i smiled back.

yep. i cheesed it at that s.o.b. and simply said, "here's your pen" and turned back to face the professor. i washed the pain and humiliation off my face just as quickly as it came and spent the rest of the hour and nineteen minutes in class focusing on the teacher and world war one. obviously he has that picture on his binder for a reason. maybe he thinks its funny. maybe he does it so girls like me get their feelings hurt and he doesn't have to personally feel guilty because hes not the one saying it. regardless, he has that placed there because he wants to get a reaction and i wasn't about to let him win. at least not when hes looking.

last night i kept the situation out of my mind for the evening and really kept my focus on anything and everything other then that guy. but as midnight rolled around and i was staring at the black ceiling of my room i felt those words, that perfect woman in that picture, and his pleased-with-himself grin creep up on me. i felt all the insults ive been called, all the tears ive cried, and all the self hatred start to shower me. they started to cover me--suffocate me. my chest physically started hurting to the point i had to get on the ground and hold my body so tight like it was the only thing keeping me alive. i cried and winced at the pain. physically and much, much deeper inside of me. i kept saying the word no over and over. i told myself he's wrong and that he doesn't understand inner beauty because from the looks of it, he is severely lacking in that department. after what felt like hours i crawled into bed, pulled the covers over my head, and fell asleep. mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.

but this morning i woke up feeling new. after a soul wrenching conversation last night i decided i am going to try to live life fully every single day. i want to live life unapologetically. on purpose. i want to do things that make me happy. experience life and feel beautiful because of it.

i took a long shower and took my time in lathering my body and really letting the few degrees too hot water fall all over me like a cleansing rain. most of the time, well all of the time, i take as quick of a shower as i can and get dressed instantly because i hate seeing my body without clothes on. but today i took my time. i put lotion on my freshly shaved skin and let the water drops from my hair trickle down my back. i made myself a chai latte completely undressed. no one was home and this was my morning. my morning to live unapologetically. to do exactly what i want to do and to be whoever i wanted to be. even if that's an overweight naked girl. i slipped on a short fleece robe and the warmth felt good on my damp skin. i slid on a pair of ugg-like boots and took the doggies outside to brave the cold weather. the crispy air pinched and nibbled at my barely covered skin and created prickles on my freshly shaved legs. but i didn't care. i lifted my hands and stretched every muscle in my body reaching up towards the heavens and you know what? my robe flew open! but i didn't care. because in that moment wearing nothing but a pair of boots and wet hair i felt more alive, more free, and more beautiful than i have in my entire life.

the thought that popped into my mind at that moment was towards the guy in my class and the only thing i could think was, "suck it! you aren't going to bring me down!"

i realized my nudity might blind the neighbors so i scooted back inside to my bedroom and i did something i haven't done in years.

i looked at myself naked.

eeek! it was scary my friends. but you know what? it wasn't as awful as i remember.

i noticed that i have a pretty collar bone. that my legs are thankfully skinny and look really cute in a pair of boots. that my boobs aren't as saggy or ugly as i remember and actually kinda pretty. i noticed curves and shapes and beauty i had never seen before on my body.

and sure i noticed my awful stomach and double chin and how ugly i look without make up but i realized that there are some things i might be okay with on my body.

and i also realized that even though i don't feel beautiful when i look in a mirror, that i do feel it sometimes when im not looking in a mirror and that's okay. because inner beauty is real. and its not only reserved for a certain type of person. i feel beautiful when i don't look in a mirror because i am feeling myself. i am feeling the beauty that is radiating from inside of me.

and if i feel beautiful with my arms in the air like a crazy person with my robe flapping open in the wind that's okay too because im just being me. and even though shes not as gorgeous as the girl in the picture above, shes a hell of a lot prettier inside then someone who would make a picture like that to make people feel bad about themselves. the road to loving yourself starts one step at a time. and this morning i took a pretty big step.

the f word

you have all heard it before. easy to say. even easier to spell. short. to the point. simple. everyone knows what it means. there is no need to look it up in the dictionary. and even worse it shoots out like venom and quickly infects anyone its aimed at. such an easy word to say.
fat.

fat girl. fat thighs. fat face. fat stomach. fat ankles. fat hands. fat cheeks. fat. fat. fat.

if i had a dollar...no...a penny for every time i heard a person refer to another by this word-- i would be the richest person alive.

what a disgusting reality.

i have been called every variation of this word but for some reason the real thing stings much more. the association with this word is so negative, so heavy, so painful.

how many time when you are telling a friend about a girl you cant stand have you said, "oh yeah, the fat girl" or the "fat one" or the "big one"? or how many times when you find out your ex boyfriend is dating someone new does your friend comfort you by saying, "don't worry though, she's fat" and strangely enough you find comfort in that?

but then on the opposite side of things when you are talking about a girl of normal size do you say, "oh the average weight girl" or "the skinny girl"? never. because for some reason weight is instantly not important.

i can honestly say that NEVER in my life have i called a girl or person fat. especially as an insult. i have consciously made a decision to not point that out because honestly...whats the point?

calling someone fat doesn't make me skinnier.
calling someone fat doesn't make me prettier.
calling someone fat doesn't make them any less of a person.

and in all reality it would make ME less of a person.

even when someone calls another person fat not as an insult it still makes me feel sick. because instantly it takes who that person is as a person and throws it out the window. by putting that fat label on someone it takes away from all the other wonderful things they are. it insantly says THIS is what is really important about that person. nothing else they have to offer.

i recently found out i have been referred to as "big katie" and "fat katie". the reality of that hurt because it made me realize how much my weight is seen by other people. but then. it pissed me off quite frankly. because how many of my other friends have a quirkly little title before their name exposing their biggest insecurities. like pimple sarah? b.o. dan? freakishly tall mike? saggy boobs kendra? (those are all made up people by the way). would that be socially acceptable? what if i walked into a party and said, "hey stuff-your-bra-to-make-your-boobs-look-bigger amanda! how are you?" how would people react? I'll tell you. they would freak out! call me some variation of the b word and tell me i am malicious. but if someone calls me "fat katie" its okay because i laughed it off.

NO its not okay.

the fact of the matter is everyone is insecure about something. but exposing someones weight seems to be the most socially accepted because people laugh it off and joke about it to hide how it really feels. no one wants their insecurities brought to the attention of others. would you want yours talked about casually like the weather? probably not.

think about how many times you have referred to someone as fat. or joked with a friend about them being fat. or about someone else being fat. think about how many times you've said the word fat?

then thing about how many times was that word used to uplift someone? to give them encouragement? once? twice?
probably never.

fat is a negative word. an evil word. it is cancer to self esteem. it echos through the insecure's mind and buries itself deep into the crevices of their hearts.

the next time you are describing someone think about the adjectives you are using. think about how many times a day you say something about the way a person looks to describe them. and realize just like the "f word" our parents taught us about, its just as vile, just as destructive, and should be treated the same way.