a princess, a war, and a tower.

i have always had the idea that i was a princess in the tower
waiting to be rescued
by a knight in shining armor 
galloping on a steed 
bursting onto the scene
slaying dragons, you know, the works.

but when i started to think about it
who is to say that i have found my way to the tower?
that i have battled across the scorched desert?
and freezing mountains peeks?
that i have crossed brimstone and fire?
and have slayed my dragons?

how can i have my knight save me from a place that i haven't even found?
how can i be worthy of saving when i haven't even fought for myself? 

right now i am stuck somewhere between hot as hell deserts and vile brimstone.
and someone forget to mention in the manual that there are dragons all along the way.
breathing fire.
spitting venom.
trying to keep me from my castle.
from being told i am the fairest in all the land.
that i am worthy of being fought for.
and much to be loved.

for some reason this dragon i have been fighting is much bigger than expected. and much meaner than i could ever have imagined in my darkest nightmares. it's been beating me down. crushing me under it's large talons. scraping and bruising me. ripping me apart. limb by limb. i stopped lifting my hands to fight. because it's easier to curl up and wait for the darkness to take over.
wait for the pain to become a steady dull numb.
wait for it to be over.
to consume all that's left of me.
wait to finally.
just.
die.

but something i learned a long time ago came upon me.
like that first breath of air after being held under water too long. 
like my lungs were learning what air was for the first time.
i realized that i set out on this journey in a pair of flats and pool floaties. 
how on earth could i face battle when i have no armor? 
i have nothing protecting me except these weak hands and ever stumbling feet.

how could i have been so proud to think i can do this alone?
i am the farthest thing from a warrior.
i am weak.
i am faithless.
i am weary.
i am heavy-laden.
but surprisingly enough,
i have not been defeated.

because i am no longer walking this journey alone.
i never really was.
i have Someone who has been fighting with me all along.
through my rivers and over my mountains.
who wanted to step in front of me and help take the powerful blows crashing down on me.
but i wouldn't let Him.
i didn't need Him to help me with this.
this was mine, this monster, this journey.
it's too personal to invite Him into this arena.
He can handle everything else. 
all my other dragons.
all my other battles.
but this one, this one i could fight on my own.
or so i have been telling myself.

but i can't do it alone.
i can not do it.
i am too small for this big battle.
i have been david without his slingshot.
noah without his ark.
just throwing pebbles at this giant.
using my little floaties to help me from drowning.
but i need more than me.
more than all i have in all of my strength.
i need Him.
i need His armor. i need His sword. i need His shield. i need His breastplate. 
i need His place of rest. 
i need His help in this.
i need Him more than i need a victory. 
because i am so unable and so fragile.

i always thought the tower gig was about being rescued.
taken away from the castle.
away from the beasts.
but it's not about being rescued.
its about me fighting to earn my place upon that tower. 
and to be someone worth fighting for.

i thought that the desert and fire was for the knight to battle.
but it's not.
it's for me. 
it's my fire i have to smother.
it's my dragon i have to slay.
it's my tower i have to climb the steps up to.
i have to fight for myself.
to believe that i am worthy of the fight.
to know i am worthy of love.
worthy of happily ever after.

and when i complete the journey.
whenever that may be.
and i finally reach my tower
perched up high in the clouds.
i will be in a place of happiness.
with who i am. and who i use to be.
in a dwelling and deep love affair with the One who was wiping off my dirty knees.
and healing my broken bones all along the way.
i will be dancing and growing with the One who whispered lovely and beautiful into my deafened ears when the war got too loud.
i will be in a place where i can delight and be delighted in.
where i can rest.

i will be ready and worthy of being fought for.
because i, not alone, had won the war waged against me.
and found completion in the King who made me a princess worthy of a tower. 
i won't need someone to rescue me anymore.

because my knight wont have shining armor.
it will be rusted and cracked.
he will have his own wounds.
his own defeats.
and his own  victories.
when i was fighting against my demons,
he was in some other desert.
in some other place.
clinging on for dear life in his own avalanches and wars.
getting to a place where he knew his worth.
as a man.
as a son.
as a prince.
where he learned his steps didn't move forward unless he put each and every movement into the hands of the only One who could save him.

and when he finally reaches me.
in my precious tower.
i won't be sleeping.
i won't be surrounded by dwarfs.
i won't have ridiculously long hair.
or singing dishes and brooms.
but i will know i am loved.
and believe i am worthy.
i will stick out my hands.
and let him run his rugged fingers across my battle scars.
i can tell him i fought for my happiness, i fought to find love for myself in this broken world, i fought with the One who created and saved my soul, and i fought to give him a heart that he deserves. 

and he will show me his scars.
his broken bones.
his cracked ribs.
and tell me he fought for himself.
he fought for his Redeemer.
he fought for the right that one day he could love me the way a  princess deserves.

and we will leave that tower behind.
for a new path.
a new journey.
a new Kingdom to strive for.
with my heart full
and my heart complete.
we will set out on the journey.
the three of us.
there will be more harsh climates.
and beasts to defeat.
but i wont be alone.

because i never really was. 

dear body

i saw something online about this and though i feel silly, i feel its necessary for us. for us to move on from here. what i found said to write a letter to someone you've wronged. it can be a family member, a friend, or even an enemy. you don't have to give it to them. you can tuck it away in a dresser drawer somewhere. you can light a match and watch it burn til it's nothing but a pile of dust. or you can roll it up, put it in a glass bottle, and let it wash away into the sea. whichever way you decide to go the words you've been holding onto in your heart for so long will finally be out in the open. you will rid them from bouncing around the confines of your chest. you will finally be free of the pain that's been building.

so here is goes.

dear body,

i know we've had our ups and downs. to be honest, mostly we've had our downs. i have hated you, humiliated you, and tortured you. i've always wished you were something you are not and never once taken the time to appreciate anything you've done for me. i constantly focus on all your faults and never once thanked you for the good you've done. i am a hypocrite like that. i wish people wouldn't judge me for the way you look but all i do is constantly bash you for looking the way you do. i am your worst enemy. i should have stood up for you when someone would call you a name. i shouldn't have whispered venom into your skin every single time i looked at you in the mirror. i shouldn't have gone to extremes to try to change you. i shouldn't have gorged myself then purged myself. i should have tried to find ways to love you through all of the bad i saw. how can i expect people to see me for who i really am when all i am is a monster to myself? i have been evil, dangerous, and malicious to you. and i am so sorry for that. i wish there was something else i could offer but there is nothing i have left to give. just three words. i. am. sorry. i am sorry for so many things. but mostly i am sorry for hating you. for poking you. picking at you. pushing you. for never taking care of you. for never once being thankful that you are the reason i can wake up in the morning. that you are the reason i can get over sicknesses. that you are the reason my legs move one after another. i am sorry i have only focused on hating one part of you when there is so much more to you that i never took time to be appreciative of. i know we have a long journey ahead of us. and i can't promise i will always be good to you. but i can promise that i will try to be better. that i will try to love you. and i will try not to hurt you anymore. i want this new year to be a year of change. a heart change. a love change. a take care of us both change. and i hope i can give back to you the way you've always given to me.

i am sorry for the past.
but im hopeful for the future.

love,
kate

dear kate,

ive missed you. god, ive missed you terribly. i convinced myself that you weren't gone but once i took the time to stop and look you were no where to be found. ive been keeping myself busy to not have to miss you. i numb the hurt with constant plans and meaningless technology because i don't want to think about you anymore.

but i do. and i cant hide it anymore.

i miss you smiling throughout the day because you feel pretty when the sunlight is shining on your skin or when your favorite song comes on the radio that you aren't afraid to sing it loud. i miss you writing down your thoughts on napkins and on the back of old receipts because you are afraid the moment will pass and that thought will be gone forever. i miss how you use to long for the ocean. that sandy, salty water could always mend any wound and that the smell of trees reminds you of a time when you were invincible. i miss that you weren't afraid to live or to cry or to feel. that you were carefree. 

that you were free. 

i miss all the things that use to make you you.
because you aren't her anymore.
you're gone.

when i close my eyes and breath deep and slow i can remember a time when you were happy. when i felt like everything was going to work out. when i knew deep in my heart it was all going to be okay. i honestly don't know what happened. maybe i stopped trying. maybe i should have fought harder. maybe i got too consumed with all the bad that i forgot about all the good. the good. ahh i use to believe there was so much good in you. but i let others convince me otherwise. im so sorry i didn't believe in you enough to tell them they are wrong. i know they are wrong but why cant i say it? why cant i truly believe it? 

i wish i was stronger. for you. but im trying. im trying to remember that smile. remember how it felt to feel beautiful. trying to long for the things that use to make my heart alive. i want you back. i want me back. i don't want to be a shell of the girl i use to be. i want to be the beating heart girl i am meant to be. 

i want to be happy and look in the mirror and say, "it is good."
i want to smile just because i can't help it.
i don't want to miss the girl i use to be anymore because i finally found her again. 

i want to be better.

i want to be stronger.

i want to be me again.

i want to be carefree.

i want to be free.

uncomfortable

monday was a good day for me.
in fact, i delcared it would be good.
and for the most part: it was.

i woke up in a good mood. i got to work on time and even had time to make something for breakfast. although the day seemed to drag on for an eternity, when i got home from work i changed into my new work out clothes and took off to the park to start my new walking/jogging routine. i listened to music and walked around the park that was filled with dog walkers, joggers, and disk golfers. i traveled over little bridges and under beautiful shady trees. i ate healthy all day, drank way over my eight glasses of water, and though the florida air was making my breaths harder to take in- i felt amazing.

another thing i decided to start this week is to try to go a whole entire week without wearing a pair of spanx, or a sucker-inner (that's usually what i call it.) i feel confined and trapped and i realized that i preach about loving your natural body but i squish mine down with spandex every chance i get. so this week i decided to be sucker-inner free.

take that spandex. 

but i digress.

after eating a little dinner i made my way up to meet some people for monday night bible study. i hadn't had any caffeine all day and was dragging so i decided to get some black tea to sip on during study. i am a regular at the starbucks we have bible study at and see them all on a weekly basis. one of the girls behind the counter took my order and as i was paying she asked me a strange question.

"are you uncomfortable?"

it definitely took me a second to process what she asked. all i could think of is that it was such a weird question to ask someone. i mean, ive seen her there before but i wouldn't consider her a friend or someone i talk to other than the here and there chatting. i don't even know her name so why is she asking if im uncomfortable?

so i responded, "uncomfortable? what do you mean?"

and then she said the unthinkable.

"oh, aren't you pregnant?"

pregnant?
PREGNANT?
as in with child?

i tried to play it cool and not embarrass her and said, "oh no im not. sorry."

i could tell she realized her mistake and tried to play it off swearing it was me or maybe one of my other friends. i pretended one of my other friends was pregnant and said that we look alike so its hard to tell and laughed through it all. i didn't want to make her feel bad.

i should have said, "well now i am uncomfortable." but i didn't want to make the situation worse. i smiled, laughed, and apologized for the confusion.

it wasn't until i sat down that it truly hit me. why on earth was i the one who apologized? why was i trying to not embarrass her? why were my concerns on her feelings when she didn't even consider mine before she opened her mouth? she is the one who mortified me and said the one thing you never, ever, ever say to a woman unless you have attended her baby shower, seen the sonogram, and physically felt the baby kick. if none of those things happen you NEVER ask a woman if shes pregnant. even if she looks 10 months pregnant.

my first thought was to leave. flee. run as far away as i could. but my bible was already at the table and there was no way to make a quick escape. my second thought was, "why didn't i wear my stupid spanx?"

the next few hours all i felt was embarrassment. i kept looking down at my non-pregnant belly and wishing i could crawl in a hole somewhere. my mind starting racing at the ideas of all the things that i could use to patch up this hole that got punched right in my stomach.

but i had to tell myself no.
NO.
no i wont let you go on a binge and ruin everything good in this day because someone said something stupid. no i wont let you self sabotage and self medicate. no.
no.
no.

and you know what?
i listened to myself.
and instead of going home and stuffing my face with everything i could find i went over to a friends house. and we walked down the dock and hung our feet over the edge and i tossed all those thoughts into the sea under a full bright moon.

there will always be stupid people who come your way. there will always be a billboard, magazine, and tv show that makes you feel less than worthy. there will always be "that something" for you. but its the moments after that matter. its the do or die. its what you do when you think no one else is watching. when every lie you hear starts to taste bitter instead of like a sweet escape. when you have every option to break but you chose to hold yourself together. even just one last time.

i may bend.
i may scar.
but i will not break.

never, ever again.

in my skin

i always feel like im fitting too tightly. that im just barely meeting the weight requirements. you must be this weight to be comfortable in life. when i get on an elevator i pray that another bigger person doesn't get on because we will all go down. we maxed out the limit. 

i maxed out the limit.

but mostly im always feeling too big. like when mario gets one of those magical mushrooms and sizes up. but unfortunately there is nothing magical about my large body. and unlike mario i don't get to shrink back down after a while.

i am always in the way. in the hallway. in the kitchen. in the aisle at the grocery store. in every room i go in. im always blocking the road like a giant boulder. can someone grab a bulldozer and get her out of the way please?

and to be honest i cant breath. i squeeze into tiny plane seats and pray my seat belt clicks. or like the time i got asked to get off a roller coaster because the harness wouldn't snap shut. the walk of shame i had to take past girls from school giggling because i was too big. the pain and humiliation pressed on me harder than that harness ever did. and my clothes. they hug and grasp me in all the wrong places and i count down the minutes til i can get home and take off the sucker-inners and spanx. all of those things that hold me in throughout the day and melt onto my skin. all of the things that make me take short and shallow breaths. and all of the money poured into objects that make me feel just a tiny bit smaller. 

but i realized that no matter what i always feel too big for my own skin. despite the spanx and "look instantly slimmer" clothing. looking at myself undressed is like looking at a distorted image. things are shifted and changed and not where they are suppose to be. i feel like ive reached my limit and maxed out my living space within the confines of my skin.

i wish i could bulldoze it down and build from the ground up. lay a smaller foundation and fill the rooms with less stuff. less garbage. but it doesn't work that way unfortunately. its not something you can just start all over.

my wish is to take up less room. to fill less of a chair. to sit comfortably in a restaurant booth. to not be terrified of the middle seat on a plane. the constant worries and planning makes my head spin. everything is mapped out and every possible problem is analyzed and stressed on before it ever has a chance to happen.

i want to fill up space with life not body. i want to command the attention of a room with jokes and laughter not murmurs of, "have you seen her recently"'s. but most of all i want to fit comfortably in my own skin. like it is a custom gown that was designed just for me. i want to dance in it all night, run my hands across its silky frame, and love everything about it. i want to fit in it perfectly. and like a gown...i want to feel beautiful in it. a beauty that seeps in through tiny little pores and makes you smile because you are just so damn happy.

i don't want to be too big.
i don't want to feel like everything is too tight.
i don't want to feel like a stranger in someone else's skin.
i want to be like mama bears chair in goldie locks.
i want to be just the right size.

perfect.

"What is it about different that makes us think it's not perfect? We set the bar higher and higher and once we reach it, this perfection, what have we achieved? It's never enough...The concept of perfection is not flawless or ripped from a magazine. It's happiness. Happiness with all its messiness and not-quite-thereness. Its knowing that life is short and the moments we choose to fill our cups up with should be purposeful and rich. That we should be present for life. That we should drink deeply. That's perfection."

-Kelle Hampton

i need your help.

i have talked a lot on the subject of beauty throughout one size fits most. ive shared my struggles with self esteem and never feeling like i was quite pretty enough. i talked about times when i felt completely beautiful and other times when i absolutely hated everything about myself. i realized recently though that the way i see beauty is completely different than the way others see beauty. and it got me thinking about how each and every person defines beauty.

so i decided to ask:
how do you define beauty?
or when do you feel the most beautiful?

for girls: is it a feeling? something you can create? is it a certain outfit you wear? or the way that someone looks at you?

for guys: is it the way a woman carries herself? is it all physical? is it different for each woman?

you tell me.
comment on the blog.
message me on facebook.
send me an email.

tell me what makes you feel the most radiantly beautiful. or what makes a woman beautiful to you.

i am excited to see what you all think.
<3