perfect.

there are many definitions and ideas to what the word perfect means. for this post i am going to focus on this definition.

perfect: exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose.

i have struggled with the idea of perfection or being perfect for as long as i can remember. every little girl wants to be a perfect, pretty princess, every high school girl wants to be perfect on prom night, every engaged woman desires to be perfectly beautiful at their wedding, and every person dreams of being seen as enough. as perfect. because we feel that by being perfect we are the epitome of wholeness and togetherness and by having those things that we are without flaw. in society we have been told that in order to be "perfect" we need to be a certain size, a certain weight,or a certain idea of attractive to be seen as perfect.

somehow the definition of perfect has been directly related to the way a person looks. a common phrase people say is that, "no one is perfect". and by societies standards that is absolutely correct. while there may be a few people who do fall into all those categories the general population of people do not. but that does not mean that we don't strive to reach this unreachable idea of perfection.

this blog is dedicated to talking about the tortures and heartaches ive put myself through to try to reach this goal and how it hasn't worked out so well for me. all of the ads advertising, "lose weight now" or plastic surgeons that are in business are around because of people trying to perfect themselves or make themselves seem flawless. a tighter face. a smaller stomach. a bigger butt. all those things and hundreds more. ive talked about my opinions of plastic surgery before here. but sadly no matter how many surgeries and crash diets a person goes on they will never meet societies view of what they should be.

but there is hope. because in the true definition of perfect, and not societies depiction and warped opinion, it states that being perfect is exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose. so by definition, being perfect is fulfilling a purpose in which you were designed for. no where does it give requirements. no where does it say you have to be a size zero or have a certain size bust. it doesn't even address artificial attributes.

and for some reason that reality gave me immense peace. ibecause no, i will never look like a super model. i will never be tall enough, pretty enough, or skinny enough for that. but i can be too loud, too emotional, too compassionate, and too much sometimes. i can be overweight, frumpy, and unattractive and that's all okay. because that's the person i am meant to be. that is the person i am. and by being myself, which is a very flawed girl, i can still be perfect.

so by writing this blog i am in definition--perfect. i am writing my heart and addressing issues i feel that are too important to ignore. im exactly fitting the purpose that i was intended for.

of course i have many, many flaws and society will look at me and shake their heads in disgust. because society focuses on who we should be and not who we really are. they want to change us instead of accept us. the true peace i find is that by embracing this view of perfection i don't have to do anything. i don't have to change or warp anything. all i have to do is strive to be a better person but never a different person. i just have to be me because i know i am enough.
-------------------------------------------
i am perfect.
and you are the definition of what perfection truly is.
don't ever believe anything else.

{i heard this song on the radio the other day and it fits perfectly with this post}

made a wrong turn

once or twice

dug my way out

blood and fire

bad decisions

that's alright

welcome to my silly life

mistreated

misplaced

misunderstood

miss "no way, it's all good"

it didn't slow me down

mistaken

always second guessing

under estimated

look, i'm still around

pretty, pretty please

don't you ever, ever feel

like your less than

less than perfect

pretty, pretty please

if you ever, ever feel

like you are nothing

you are perfect to me

you're so mean

when you talk

about yourself

you are wrong

change the voices

in your head

make them like you instead

so complicated

look happy

you'll make it

filled with so much hatred

such a tired game

it's enough

i've done all i can think of

chased down all my demons

i've seen you do the same

pretty, pretty please

don't you ever, ever feel

like your less than

less than perfect

pretty, pretty please

if you ever, ever feel

like you are nothing

you are perfect to me

under the knife and microscope.

i cant tell you how many times i wished i had enough money to get plastic surgery. in high school i would write all the things i wanted changed in a dry erase marker on my mirror so when i got ready in the morning the words hung over my reflection looking back at me. soon they were all i saw. mostly i wanted a tummy tuck and i would read articles about the recovery process and the risks and everything and anything about it. i became an expert on the subject and planned on getting one when i turned 18.

but a few years ago i had a real change of heart. to be honest i am not sure what changed my mind but i realized that if i was to get a tummy tuck that it would be artificial. it wouldn't be me.  i would probably be happy with the way i looked on the outside but not happy with who i am on the inside. i would have the reverse effect of what i have now. i would look in the mirror and see a flatter tummy but i would know i didn't do it myself. i wouldn't be able to live with myself. and to me, it would be the same exact thing that i had been doing for years with my eating problems. always trying the extremes to control my body. this time i would just be going under the knife. taking it to that final step.

i also know that if i got one proceedure it would be a snowball effect. i am an all or nothing kind of person and soon i would be looking in the mirror evaluating every imperfection. once again, putting my insecurities under a microscope. first it would be my tummy. then maybe my nose. then my boobs. then my face. then my knees. then my butt. the list goes on and on.

because in all reality can we ever be 100% happy with our bodies? if we can change one thing...why not change it all? right? because our society tell us that we need to be this weight if we are this height. that we need to have those boobs. those biceps. that flat stomach. those long legs. we need to be perfect and the funny thing is NO ONE is all those things. and never will be.

i came upon this picture and an article this morning and it really puts all that i am saying in perspective.

this woman is beautiful and i think she has a gorgeous body. all those lines signify the surgeries she would have to obtain to have a body like barbie. This is a quote from the article. "Here’s a breakdown of what she'd need done to be the kind of doll women aspire to: a brow lift, a jaw line shave, rhinoplasty, a cheek and neck reduction, a chin implant, scooped-out shoulders, a breast lift, liposuction on her arms, and tummy tuck. And that’s just the half of her." that is a horrifyingly disgusting reality. a scooped out shoulder? chin implant? come on people. that woman has a completely healthy, normal, beautiful body. i read comments on the article and someone put:

"There is nothing wrong with having all those surgeries. I don't like the way they made it seem like a bad thing. She is fat, has a strong jaw lines, and a manish figure and she would benefit from at least a few of those procedures. Modern society and feminists are brainwashing us to believe that perfection is just a fragment of our imagination but its not. Plastic surgery helps people become better. Especially women."

i know i shouldn't read the comments because they always make me mad but really? perfection IS obtainable by plastic surgery? especially for women?

not even yahoo username mike d.

 that is absolutely ridiculous. i think that even if she got all those surgeries to become "perfect" that she wouldnt be happy. because happiness comes from within. its what fills us up with life. with beauty. my dear friend natalie wrote a beautiful blog and had this quote on there and i felt it was perfect for this.

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

its kind of like the pearl. the shells come in so many different shapes and colors, some pretty and some plain, but on the inside each pearl is uniquely beautiful. radiant. but what if the pearl was on the outside? what if you didnt have to crack the shell open to find the hidden beauty? or what if you found a gorgeous shell and cracked it open just to find nothing? the true beauty of the pearl lies within. what would be the point of the pearl trying to perfect its shell when the truly important part is what is inside?

and if i am being honest, i think plastic surgery is cheating. for my tummy tuck it would be the easiest way out. i wouldnt have the satisfaction of knowing i worked my butt off to get the result. sure, its hard. i have the hardest time losing weight. but having surgery to "enhance" my body would be just changing the god-given body i have artifically and realistically only temporarily and taking hard work and dedication out of it. where is the self satisfaction and confidence in that?

i am not against surgery when it is necessary but i definitely dont think plastic surgery is the answer to self esteem problems.

trust me i know. its not something a couple thousand dollars will change. its an internal thing. self esteem cannot be magically repaired by a sugery. its a yearly, monthly, weekly, daily, per second constant battle.

i know that weight isnt the only thing people want to change on their bodies too.

say you think your nose is too big? who cares! it was put on your face for a reason. and it brings attention to your face and highlights other wonderful features like your eyes and lips.

or you think your boobs are too small, not perky enough, or arent how you would like? so what! they are beautiful because they are on your body. they compliment your curves in a beautiful way that a boob job cant. they are natural. and that is beatiful and cant be faked or replicated.

i just think that we need to start loving our imperfections for all they offer to our bodies. they are the things that make us unique and a plastic doll or magazine gloss picture can never have those things.

and yes there are things we CAN change. like our weight. our abs. our muscles. and all the things that we can get by working hard and really truly trying to perfect the way we see ourselves, not trying to actually perfect ourselves.

what are the imperfections tiny or big that bother you? can you fix them? or can you learn to love them? what would you be like without them? who would you be without them?

“Sometimes we strive so hard for perfection that we forget that imperfection is happiness” - Karen Nave