Monday, August 8, 2011

fat suits and scientists

we all have those silly and ridiculous ideas in the back of our minds that we never want to admit for the pure embarrassment of them. well, i am here to tell you mine.

for as far back as i can remember in my overweight life i have always thought one morning i was going to wake up and be told i was wearing a fat suit as an experiment. something my parents signed me up for. i thought i was a lab rat to see how weight contributes to self esteem, peer acceptance, and to chart the internal dialogue that happens.

it would make sense to be honest. i have no idea where all the weight came from. one day i looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "oh my gosh, is that me?" i didn't hit puberty, puberty hit me, with a semi-truck. all of a sudden i had boobs, stretch marks, and hair growing in the strangest places. i kept thinking, "oh this is all part of the see how i react to it all." and so i would keep my cool on the outside so the scientist in my mind would think i was normal. all the while i knew that the reality of it all is that i wasn't an experiment; i was an overweight girl trying to rationalize why i turned out the way i did.

even writing this i think that it still might be true. maybe i am meant to be a forever overweight girl and eventually an overweight woman and this blog is just another section for the white coats to add to their data.
but i know and you all know that that is just another coping mechanism. something for me to pass blame on to explain why i am so overweight and unhappy. so that's why i am putting it out here for you all. if its out here then i am not keeping the idea prisoner in my mind like i have for all these years.

every little secret, insecurity, and lie i keep trapped inside of myself is going to keep me from getting better and happier.

so there it is. my little embarrassing secret. aired out for the world to see.
even the scientist :)

1 comment:

  1. Wow, this is really, REALLY good, kate. wonderfully written and beautifully transparent. Even more than that, there is a peace in your words that pours out onto the page. I’m glad you are putting this stuff out there and I hope you are finding healing in it.