Friday, July 29, 2011

letting go

it has been way too long since my last post and i apologize for that. shortly after starting this new project i set off for vacation in florida and have neglected all forms of responsibility. but at the same time it has been unbelievably rewarding and fulfilling. 

since being here my diet has gone out the window and without a swimming pool to swim laps my working out has been stunted as well. as i sip on my passion tea lemonade while writing this i can honestly tell you for the first time in a long time i haven't felt guilty about eating. I've had hamburgers, french fries, ice cream cones, starbucks, and fast food. things i felt guilty eating my whole life and especially guilty since starting my eating healthy lifestyle. but i am on vacation and happy. i know once i get back home in less than a week i cant wait to start swimming and getting on track but i think this is exactly what i needed. because like my obsession with my eating disorder, i became obsessed with calorie consumption. i am an all or nothing kind of person and being here, away from all that's familiar, it has allowed me to break out of my repetitious cycle.

and since being here i have never felt so beautiful in my life. maybe its the white sand beaches and marshmallow clouds that make my heart swoon and see beauty in all things but i have never felt so good about my appearance as i have here. which is a lot for me to say. when i leave the house to head out for the day i am not over analyzing everything wrong with the way i look. and the strange thing is since being here i haven't actually done my hair once. honestly. i take showers at night, throw my hair up in a messy bun, and go to bed. in the morning i throw on a little make up, put on a dress (which i have always been afraid to wear), and fix the bun on my head. for me to wear my hear up in a huge improvement. years ago my brother told me not to wear my hair up because it made my body look bigger and i have taken that with me ever since that day. i feel horrible when i have a bad-hair-day-turned-to-ponytail-day because i hate the way i look. but since being here i have worn my hair in a messy, floppy bun on top of my head and haven't cared one single bit. i am slowly realizing that when i feel beautiful, beauty comes out of me.

and yes i have had my moments while being here. the constant beautiful beach bodies walking around, the gorgeous guys who don't even notice i exist, and the crying in the shower after looking at myself in the mirror. but the difference is these aren't all the time occurrences. these are becoming more far and in between than they use to be. I'm more happy in the day than i am sad. all i know is this is a process and i feel like more and more i am getting to the place i need to be at.

i hope all of you are doing exceptional in your quest to love yourself. i know that its a long journey but the story starts when you take the first step.

best of luck. love yourselves always <3

1 comment:

  1. It makes my heart overjoyed to read this. I am so glad that Florida has given you freedom to love yourself, all the while still enjoying your life and your vacation. I can even see in your pictures how radiant you are and I truly hope you bring that confidence and self-love home with you.

    You are amazing, my dear, and I am so proud of you for digging into the dark places of your heart to bring them into the light. You are stunning and I hope you always remember that.