Monday, April 30, 2012

a beautiful weekend.

i felt beautiful this weekend. actually, three times i felt honest to goodness beautiful. from the tips of my toes to the very deepest place in my soul. i know that's something weird to say but i guess the only way i can describe it is feeling completely content with who i am in every single way. and that's something i am not use to feeling.

friday night:
the night had definitely not gone according to plan and had turned into some kind of nightmare. but around midnight me and jordan decided to go to the beach. i had never been at night before and the stars were twinkling too sweet to go ignored. we had both dressed up earlier in the evening in dresses and skinny jeans and drew on eyeliner for our planned girls night that unfortunately never happened. we first climbed up the lifeguards tower and enjoyed the awesome view from being so high. eventually my feet started aching for cold sand to wiggle between my toes so we made our way to the waters edge. the moment our toes touched the warm water we both got the same idea at once. we stripped off our heels and skinny jeans and ran back towards the water with our mini dresses covering just enough that we weren't indecent. we splashed around, chased the waves, and danced in the water. we both sat down and let the waves wash over us. our wet and sandy dresses clung to our skin and yet we didn't care. we were happy, we were completely content with the universe, and we were beautiful. we laid in the sandy water for a long while and talked about life and love and regret. i remember walking away when it was starting to get too late and feeling like the ocean gave me something. something indescribable. i feel like i took a piece of the gorgeous emerald coast and buried deep into myself in the place only i can see. something just for me and something to keep always. it gave me a piece of freedom i never knew existed.
saturday night:
late in the evening i had been talking to a new friend i met here, steven, about the beaches and he asked me if i wanted to go with him. it was 10pm and i was in my pjs but i decided to go for it. he drove to my house and came to the front door to come get me when he had arrived. in all my years of spending time with guy friends i have never once had a guy come to my front door. i had never felt more feminine and girly opening it up and seeing someone waiting for me. he of course asked me how i was doing as soon as we started walking towards his truck and once we were driving he said it might be cold so we stopped by his house so he could get me a jacket. we went by starbucks and pumped caffeine into our veins before heading to the island. he played me his favorite songs and we sang along to the black keys as my hair whipped and tangled around in the passenger seat. we sat for a little bit while he played me some songs he had written and the waves complimented the guitar in a perfect harmony. we eventually walked through a hotel to get to the beach and as soon as my toes touched the sand a smile spread across my face. we left our shoes by the dock and took off towards the water. i slipped on his sweatshirt and the two of us walked down the beach with our feet getting tickled by the waves that stretched out to reach us then receded back to their home just to come back again. to be honest i don't know how long we were walking. we laughed as we got to know each other and walked until we knew it was almost too far. the thing i like about steven is i feel like ive known him all my life. that's how comfortable i am around him and only after knowing him a week. and the weird thing is that even though this could have been a romantic moment-it wasn't. because i know he doesn't feel that way for me and i want him in my life just as a friend. but as we walked down the beach i felt completely at peace. with myself and around this handsome guy i normally would have been insecure around. i played in the waves and got soaked from the waist down but i didn't worry about what he thought or how i looked. all i cared about was tasting the air. feeling the hard sand beneath my feet. and letting go of all the insecurities that would have normally ruined this moment for me. after we were walking in silence for a little bit he simply said, "im glad i met you" and i agreed. and not just because i made a new friend but because being around him makes me feel beautiful. and that's how ive always deserved to feel.
sunday morning:
i woke up early and got ready to go to church with my new friend patrick. i waved my hair, dusted on a purple eyeliner to make my eyes look especially blue, and slipped on one of my favorite sundresses. i wore a pair of bow flats and misted myself with a sunny perfume. i walked down the street to his house and the whole way there i gave thanks for how beautiful the day was. i met a few of his friends before church and smiled honestly when i met them. ive always been insecure about my smile but these three men made me smile genuinely and without worry. there was something good about their presence that made me want to be the best and truest version of myself. the service was great and i even sang along without trying to mute my voice so i wouldn't be heard. i laughed and smiled and joked without once thinking about the way i looked or how they were viewing me. because i honestly think they saw me for me. for who i am. and they didn't mind how she looked. i felt beautiful and sun kissed in the florida sunshine and like all the baggage and insecurities ive been toting around fell off of me like a cleansing rain.

of course throughout this weekend there were times i fixed my hair too much. moments i fiddled and bit my lip in nerves. and hours i stressed and cried over the way i looked. but there were three times this weekend that i felt the truest and most beautiful i have ever felt in my life. all three were different times and in different places. i was a different kate in every instance but still felt truly authentic. they might have been fleeting and momentary but i guess its a hope to hold on to and a goal to strive for.  the truth is the times i felt the most beautiful were the times i wasn't trying. and i would like to think that counts for a lot. because beauty isn't something manufactured. beauty is something created from deep inside ourselves and something felt in our entire being. and this weekend i felt that feeling truly from the bottom of my soul and i hope that's something i never forget.

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