Tuesday, May 1, 2012

new life. old me.

one thing i told myself i wanted to do when i moved to florida was be a new person. i wanted to leave the insecurities, struggles, and haunting past in the dust and never look back. last summer when i visited i really loved the freedom of not knowing anyone here. i didn't worry about wearing make up all the time or about the way my hair looked. i wore goofy sun hats and was more concerned with the sun on my skin than whatever clothes i was wearing. i promised myself it would be like that again. this new life would be different. 

but unfortunately, i haven't been upholding my self made promise. i have found myself fidgeting with my hair so much that one of my friends literally yells at me to stop. it takes me too long to decide what to wear and whenever i do make a decision i spend the remainder of the evening pulling and fixing and trying to make myself look good. i stress and over analyze everything.

but why?
why is this time different?

i have been here the same time length as i was last summer but this time it seemed to be harder. i have been asking myself this question since i got here and i think i might finally know why.

this was suppose to be my new life. and i was suppose to be new too
now don't get me wrong. i wasn't under the illusion that as soon as i moved here pounds would fall off of me and my body would magically transform into something beautiful. but i was hoping i would be different. that i would be able to let go of all that garbage i cling to for reassurance in my self disgust. that i would finally get better or whatever that means. that i could let go and live my life not plagued by doubt and insecurity. 
it has been hard this time around because i have started to make friends and people have gotten to know me. the real me. not the better version i was hoping to have finished by the time i settled in.

kate 2.0.  
i guess in all reality i just really want to be liked. i know that sounds so petty and childish but it's true. i want people to really see me and like me. i want to be the kind of person people want to be friends with. i want to be pretty. put together. i want to seem like i have it all figured out.

but i don't. 

im not put together. im flawed. cracked. broken. imperfect.

and i don't have it all figured out. heck, i haven't even figured myself out yet.

but i am starting to think that that's all okay. because i've met new people since i moved here and for some strange reason they do like me despite my grocery list of flaws. 
im not sure who i will become or what will be my story as time goes on out here. but i have hope that it will be something farther away from where i am now. a baby step in the right direction is still a step away from where i am now. and every day i make a move is a day i am closer to happiness. i can't leave who i was in the past and expect to become brand new. that would mean every struggle i have gone through and all of the progress i made was for nothing.
i know i'll become the woman i want to be one day.
 she just needs a little more time to get ready. 

1 comment:

  1. oh my gosh, this is fabulous. YOU are fabulous.

    "she just needs a little more time to get ready."

    wow. one of my favorite posts from you ever:)