dear kate,

ive missed you. god, ive missed you terribly. i convinced myself that you weren't gone but once i took the time to stop and look you were no where to be found. ive been keeping myself busy to not have to miss you. i numb the hurt with constant plans and meaningless technology because i don't want to think about you anymore.

but i do. and i cant hide it anymore.

i miss you smiling throughout the day because you feel pretty when the sunlight is shining on your skin or when your favorite song comes on the radio that you aren't afraid to sing it loud. i miss you writing down your thoughts on napkins and on the back of old receipts because you are afraid the moment will pass and that thought will be gone forever. i miss how you use to long for the ocean. that sandy, salty water could always mend any wound and that the smell of trees reminds you of a time when you were invincible. i miss that you weren't afraid to live or to cry or to feel. that you were carefree. 

that you were free. 

i miss all the things that use to make you you.
because you aren't her anymore.
you're gone.

when i close my eyes and breath deep and slow i can remember a time when you were happy. when i felt like everything was going to work out. when i knew deep in my heart it was all going to be okay. i honestly don't know what happened. maybe i stopped trying. maybe i should have fought harder. maybe i got too consumed with all the bad that i forgot about all the good. the good. ahh i use to believe there was so much good in you. but i let others convince me otherwise. im so sorry i didn't believe in you enough to tell them they are wrong. i know they are wrong but why cant i say it? why cant i truly believe it? 

i wish i was stronger. for you. but im trying. im trying to remember that smile. remember how it felt to feel beautiful. trying to long for the things that use to make my heart alive. i want you back. i want me back. i don't want to be a shell of the girl i use to be. i want to be the beating heart girl i am meant to be. 

i want to be happy and look in the mirror and say, "it is good."
i want to smile just because i can't help it.
i don't want to miss the girl i use to be anymore because i finally found her again. 

i want to be better.

i want to be stronger.

i want to be me again.

i want to be carefree.

i want to be free.