i can be both

as many of you know i have struggled a lot with femininity much of my life. i have written blogs dedicated completely to the subject. i have had the hardest time trying to decided between being one of the guys or being a girly girl. but  last week i realized that i can be both.

i woke up at six am in the morning to get ready for the day. i took a shower and spent time plucking my eyebrows and washing my face. i got into my little white car parked in the driveway and with damp hair and sweatpants i drove to the grocery store up the street. there i filled my small hand basket with cinnamon, sugar, biscuits, and almond extract. i smiled when the cashier said, "have a wonderful day ms.sutton" because for some reason that always makes me happy. i then spent the next few hours getting my hands messy in a sugary-cinnamon dream while carefully rolling each cinnamon bun into little balls of yummy. once the cinnamon balls were in the oven i finished taming my wet curls and painting a sparkly sunset of golds and pinks onto my eyelids. after slipping on my cowboy boots and flowery blue top i filled the still warm rolls into a little wicker basket and skipped out the door.

i waited a few minutes outside my friend robs house until he finally answered the door. with his locks of hair stretching in a million different directions and squinty eyes i could tell he had just woken up. as we waited for our other two friends to arrive we sat in silence as our christmas blend tea brewed in the kettle and warm jazz music serenaded the room. once he had woken up a little bit we quenched our hungry bellies with delicious tea and my mornings cinnamony hard work.

as soon as the other two arrived the room quickly filled with guns, ammunition, and the smell of men's deodorant. after a few trips to the truck i planted myself in the backseat and was soon swimming in bags of soon to be targets. with windows rolled down and music blasting we made our way up the hill, over the bridge, and down a dirt road that i believed to lead to no where. but once the truck was parked i realized i had stepped into a man made shooting range. made by the three men i was standing with.


in no time the tailgate was down and loaded with an assortment of different guns and rounds of ammunition. the targets were put in place on the hill and bright orange ear protection was snugly fitting inside our ears. the first shot literally terrified me to the bone. i thought with the ear protection i wouldn't be able to hear anything....boy was i wrong!

i have shot guns in my life before. i learned when i was little, taught it at summer camp, and even went to a range last year with a friend and got some professional advice. but for some reason being around three men who knew what they were doing, two of them being former marines, i got scared and intimidated. i decided i would be the camera girl for the day and try to take action shots of them blowing up soda bottles and dollar store glass ornaments instead of shooting. but one of my friends insisted i tried and he helped me hold it, load it, and angle it the proper way.  it took me a few minutes to actually pull the trigger and when i did i think i screamed in excitement and terror at the power i felt. after unloading the clip and shooting a really, really powerful gun that made me ear ring for twenty minutes; i decided i was done for the day.

but there was something about shooting the gun that made me feel feminine. it was in the way he helped me in a non condescending way. the encouragement they gave me to pull the trigger. and the congratulations they gave me when i actually hit something. all that all made me feel so good.

normally i would have been stressed out about getting dirt on my jeans the moment i stepped out of the truck (literally mud all over me the moment i got out!). or that by going shooting with guys it made me manly.  but this time was different. because i realized that i could still be feminine and myself by baking morning treats and buying lisa frank coloring books at the dollar store and that  i can hang with the guys and go shooting and eat sloppy joes the same day. i dont have to pick just one. i know that seems like a simple concept but its something i have struggled with all my life.

it makes me so happy to say i have peace in this all. peace in finding femininity in a room full of men. peace in coloring pictures of puppies in cowboy hats while all the guys watch star trek. and ultimate peace in finally realizing they dont expect me to be anything other than what i am. which is a girl that hangs with guys. a girl that can be both :)

p.s.
some of the targets the guys bought were little dollar store stuffed animal bunnies that were adorable and in a rainbow of different colors. i wanted to keep them all but they kept telling me they were for targets. so after a couple rounds had been shot we went to set back up some of the stuff that had been knocked down or clean out the things that had already been shot. the seafoam green bunny i fell in love with was still in tact and not covered in dirt or mud like his fellow companions. so when no one was looking i saved him and slipped him in my jacket. i almost made it through the rest of the trip but one of his bright little ears popped out of my jacket and i was met with smiles and questionable looks. after some convincing they decided to let me keep my new little bunny friend. so now edmund the bunny has a home always <3

hes the one on the left <3

perfect.

there are many definitions and ideas to what the word perfect means. for this post i am going to focus on this definition.

perfect: exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose.

i have struggled with the idea of perfection or being perfect for as long as i can remember. every little girl wants to be a perfect, pretty princess, every high school girl wants to be perfect on prom night, every engaged woman desires to be perfectly beautiful at their wedding, and every person dreams of being seen as enough. as perfect. because we feel that by being perfect we are the epitome of wholeness and togetherness and by having those things that we are without flaw. in society we have been told that in order to be "perfect" we need to be a certain size, a certain weight,or a certain idea of attractive to be seen as perfect.

somehow the definition of perfect has been directly related to the way a person looks. a common phrase people say is that, "no one is perfect". and by societies standards that is absolutely correct. while there may be a few people who do fall into all those categories the general population of people do not. but that does not mean that we don't strive to reach this unreachable idea of perfection.

this blog is dedicated to talking about the tortures and heartaches ive put myself through to try to reach this goal and how it hasn't worked out so well for me. all of the ads advertising, "lose weight now" or plastic surgeons that are in business are around because of people trying to perfect themselves or make themselves seem flawless. a tighter face. a smaller stomach. a bigger butt. all those things and hundreds more. ive talked about my opinions of plastic surgery before here. but sadly no matter how many surgeries and crash diets a person goes on they will never meet societies view of what they should be.

but there is hope. because in the true definition of perfect, and not societies depiction and warped opinion, it states that being perfect is exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose. so by definition, being perfect is fulfilling a purpose in which you were designed for. no where does it give requirements. no where does it say you have to be a size zero or have a certain size bust. it doesn't even address artificial attributes.

and for some reason that reality gave me immense peace. ibecause no, i will never look like a super model. i will never be tall enough, pretty enough, or skinny enough for that. but i can be too loud, too emotional, too compassionate, and too much sometimes. i can be overweight, frumpy, and unattractive and that's all okay. because that's the person i am meant to be. that is the person i am. and by being myself, which is a very flawed girl, i can still be perfect.

so by writing this blog i am in definition--perfect. i am writing my heart and addressing issues i feel that are too important to ignore. im exactly fitting the purpose that i was intended for.

of course i have many, many flaws and society will look at me and shake their heads in disgust. because society focuses on who we should be and not who we really are. they want to change us instead of accept us. the true peace i find is that by embracing this view of perfection i don't have to do anything. i don't have to change or warp anything. all i have to do is strive to be a better person but never a different person. i just have to be me because i know i am enough.
-------------------------------------------
i am perfect.
and you are the definition of what perfection truly is.
don't ever believe anything else.

{i heard this song on the radio the other day and it fits perfectly with this post}

made a wrong turn

once or twice

dug my way out

blood and fire

bad decisions

that's alright

welcome to my silly life

mistreated

misplaced

misunderstood

miss "no way, it's all good"

it didn't slow me down

mistaken

always second guessing

under estimated

look, i'm still around

pretty, pretty please

don't you ever, ever feel

like your less than

less than perfect

pretty, pretty please

if you ever, ever feel

like you are nothing

you are perfect to me

you're so mean

when you talk

about yourself

you are wrong

change the voices

in your head

make them like you instead

so complicated

look happy

you'll make it

filled with so much hatred

such a tired game

it's enough

i've done all i can think of

chased down all my demons

i've seen you do the same

pretty, pretty please

don't you ever, ever feel

like your less than

less than perfect

pretty, pretty please

if you ever, ever feel

like you are nothing

you are perfect to me

a little honesty served with a side of shame.

i can feel it coming on the horizon. this foggy, cloudy, mess of depression and weirdness starting to burn away into the afternoon. i have been nothing short of a hot mess these past few months and to all of those in my life who have been effected by my sour mood. i apologize.

this post is very hard for me to write because it is admitting a lot of things i haven't been willing to admit. even to myself. i have started writing then erased this three times already but the whole point of this blog was for me to get the truth out there and hold myself accountable.

so...

to be honest. i am exhausted. i am hungry. i am drained. and i am spent.

i knew i was going to be struggling a lot with the coming holidays and the hibernation months but i had no idea how bad it would be. i have been downright depressed and nothing has seemed to make a difference. there have been multiple stages i have been going through. some worse then others. but i just wanted to let you in on whats been going on in my mind since i haven't written in a while.

first. the butthole stage. yep, i said butthole. because i have been one in the meanest way. i am normally a really happy and nice person but these past few months i have been so mean. especially to the people i love most. i think the anger and exhaustion of being mad at myself got to the point where it started pouring out and reaching everyone in my life. i couldn't hold it in no matter how hard i tried. with this stage also came the anger. woo the anger was a little out of control. the road rage. the unexpected burst of hatred that came from no where. i don't exactly know why i have been so angry but i think its easier to be angry at the world then deal with being angry at myself.

next was the overeating. and bad. literally anything and everything i could eat i would. even things i didn't like. i actually was so hungry that i ate something i was allergic to and spent the next few hours in the fetal position holding my stomach in agony and throwing up. i would eat to the point where it hurt to sit up or when i finished i would be so full i actually got dizzy and nauseated. but for some reason i couldn't stop my hand from going to my mouth. about four or five of the nights during these weeks i would get rid of the food in destructive ways which would in turn make me feel worse. get angry. get upset. then eat some more. it literally is the worst cycle ever.  it is so unbelievably hard to recognize that you are even eating sometimes and sometimes i would be in a weird black-out state where i didn't even know i was in the middle of a binge.

the last stage, the stage i am in now, is the sleep phase. i have been averaging more that 70% of my day sleeping. i sleep til 11:30am. wake up for 20 minutes. sleep til 3:30pm. wake up for an hour and shower. go back to sleep til around 7 or 8pm. then i wake up for a few hours and eat for the first time in the day. then lay back down in bed until i fall asleep and do it all over again. my logic behind this is that if i am sleeping. im not eating. sometimes i wake up in a dead sleep with horrible hunger pains but usually within a few hours it goes away. to me i feel like i am protecting myself because im not overeating and binging but i know that it is not healthy for me to do this physically or mentally. sleeping makes the day more manageable because im not thinking but in turn this has caused me to be very, very anxious and out of touch.

i don't have an end to this post because i am still in the heat of the battle. but the good thing is i am starting to feel normal again and more like myself. which is something i haven't felt in what feels like eternity. mostly i am looking forward to the new year and a new beginning. but i still have fifteen days to go and i am hoping and praying to feel like myself again sooner rather than later.

12.10.11.

i first want to apologize for it being so long since i have written a post in here. this blog is on my mind daily and i have tried to write but that was the problem. i was trying. it wasn't just happening. so, i decided to wait to write until i felt like i was ready.

these past couple of weeks have been nothing short of a nightmare. i have been overwhelmed, depressed, and all sorts of moody. a huge contribution could be finals and my finances but a lot had to do with what is going on inside of me.

its almost impossible for me to try to put into words what i have been feeling. but all i can share is this song.

"and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
and i don't want the world to see me
'cause i don't think that they'd understand

when every thing's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am"

no pity party here.

last weekend i celebrated my friend joes 21st birthday in style. being the last one out of our group to turn 21 we all decided it would be fun to go all out. so, we got a party bus. and let me tell you. it was SO much fun! about twenty of us piled in the fancy party bus complete with an ice filled bar, complimentary champagne, and a booming stereo. we laughed, we joked, and had an amazing time. all in all it was probably one of the most fun nights i have had in my whole life. i feel blessed to have friends to spend quality time with and the opportunities to do an awesome thing like we did.

and in truth. i had a blast. which was something that i wasn't sure i was going to have. see, i was one out of the only five girls on the bus and the rest were guys. a few of which i kinda have crushes on. and i was worried that i would be worried when i was on the bus. the other girls i hang out with are gorgeous, thin, and the guys drool all over them. i got really anxious, started fussing, and got a little moody to be honest. but the weird thing was once i was on the bus all of my insecurities were gone.

sure i had a little liquid courage to keep me motivated but the WHOLE NIGHT i didn't once think a negative thought about myself. i wasn't aware until the next day that i was the biggest girl on the bus and that my bangs got sweaty and fell out of my bobby pin. i didn't stress out that my makeup was virtually smudged across my whole face and that my tight curls lost shape and zig zagged in every which way. i didn't think about any of that. in all honesty i wasn't really thinking about what i looked like at all. and when i went to the bathroom i didn't allow myself to look in the mirror. and for the first time in years i wore a skirt without dark tights or leggings to cover my legs up. i rocked a tank top and skirt and owned it like it was the easiest thing in the world even though it was absolutely terrifying.

a few days later when i saw pictures from the evening i had a mini heart attack when i saw how awful, gross, and ugly i really looked but for some reason it didn't linger and bother me for days after like it normally would have. i was so carefree that night that no picture with 23847 double chins could take that away from me.

because in that moment. in that entire evening i was me. i was confident. i was HAPPY. and even though writing this now it feels artificial it wasn't that night. i was genuinely happy with myself. and i know that  its a step in the right direction. even if its a little baby step.

thats the birthday boy himself mister joe :)

my partner in crime and me on the bus. i wouldnt have made it that night without her.

me and tim. probably one of the nicest guys i know :)

some of the group <3

natural kind of beauty.

every since i was younger i remember being told that guys like all natural girls. that there is something simple yet beautiful about them. that they are elegant. timeless.

but when i look at the kind of girls that most guys go for, there definitely seems to be a huge lack in all natural and a big heap of dark makeup, perfectly fixed hair, and clothes that look like they were painted on. i thought all the people who told me that natural girls were pretty were just trying to make me feel better and would lie when they said i looked beautiful without makeup.

and i definitely don't think there is anything wrong with girls who dress up and make themselves look good. but as a young high school girl who never wore much make up and had an awful widows peek and down the middle parted hair i was constantly in conflict. because the girls who caked on makeup and wore revealing clothes got the boyfriends. and i knew that that wasn't the type of attention i wanted but i got to the point where i need SOME attention. even if it was bad. i wanted to have a guy fall for me in my all natural state like i had been promised would happen. but i realized that would never happen. so i got bangs, straightened my poofy, frizzy, wavy locks, wore dark make up, and tried to dress more feminine and revealing. and it worked. i got attention. and just as i thought it definitely was not the good kind. but i thought if a guy was attracted to me in any way it was better than not having any at all. but i wasn't myself and i didn't feel comfortable. so after a couple horrible run ins and a few years i decided i would stick with my tshirts and cardigans, lost the purple and teal eye shadow and replaced it with more natural colors, and started wearing my hair in its wavy, crazy, wild natural state.

and don't get me wrong. i still absolutely love to get dressed up, have sultry makeup, and feel like i am attending a red carpet premiere. as i have gotten older its something i look forward to and enjoy. nothing can make me feel more feminine than having curled hair, long eye lashes, and a pair of heels on. and when guys stop and look at me for a brief moment when i walk into a room wearing a little black dress and bright red lipstick i feel like a movie star. 

but for me its the time after that i feel the prettiest. actually, when i feel almost beautiful. when the sucker-inners are on the floor and the heels are replaced with buzz lightyear socks. when my make up is still on but a little smudged, my curls have loosened and fallen, and i slip into my favorite pair of sweatpants and old ratty band tshirt. because that is me. that's the girl i long to be everyday. the girl i want to show the world. the girl who isn't afraid to be seen undone or incomplete. the girl who use to get scolded every holiday for taking off her pretty christmas shoes the moment she walked in the door to run around the backyard barefoot. the girl who has hair that curls and flips and waves all over the place and the girl who washes off her make up the moment she walks in the door. the girl who hates jeans, shoes, and bras and wishes sometimes she was born in the 60's so she could be a hippy and not have to wear clothes. the girl she is when no one else is looking.

and she is the girl i love being. the relaxed girl after the party and festivities are over. and i realized recently that i am the happiest when i am her. when i allow myself to strip down to the basics and just be comfortable (which is something i completely forgot about.) and of course i feel pretty when i dress up but the whole time i am picking and pulling and stretching and fixing. but when i crawl into my bed after a long night out i can breathe easy (probably because im not wearing spanx anymore) and know i am the most natural me i can ever be.

and maybe they were right all along. maybe guys do like girls when they are in their natural state. because when i am all kate and all natural i feel beautiful. and when you feel beauty, you create beauty. and that isn't something that a little black dress or make up can fake. that something that only comes from being yourself.

so tonight i am going to dress up as pretty as i can for my friends birthday party. i am gonna squeeze myself into a pair of spanx and i am gonna worry too much about how my hair looks all night. my feet will hurt, my thighs will rub, and my make up will run. but when the nights over and all the boys have gone and i am finally alone i will slip on my old senior sweats from high school and my favorite old vw bus tshirt and i will smile to myself. because i can finally be myself. and i can feel beautiful for the first time all night.

one day.

one day
some day
i will be one of the lucky ones
captivating
alluring
and completely mesmerizing
i will steal your attention
and you won't wanna ever see me go
i will be the star of the show
and loved by all
i will be light
i will be free
i will be complete

but until then
i will be the unlucky one
unnoticed
ashamed
and invisible 
the sidekick in the corner
waiting on the bench
for one day
or some day
when i will be more than this
because i am heavy
i am a prisoner
and i am broken.