it is kind of sad that it has been difficult for me to try to narrow down just one thing to talk about for this first post. but after some careful thought i finally settled on my legs.
i have always had smaller legs. well, small for my size. my body is kind of shaped like a potato with toothpicks. i have a huge center with these little twigs poking out from underneath. its kind of silly really. the problem i always faced with my legs was actually showing them. for some reason wearing a dress, skirt, or pair of shorts has become absolutely terrifying to me. the whole time i am in an anxious worry spell wondering if too much of my thighs are showing, if i have cellulite, or if by showing them off i am exposing how much bigger my tummy is. a million and one different thoughts run through my mind as i stand before my mirror trying to dress and finally i decide on a pair of jeans.
jeans have become my security blanket and worst enemy. i realized that they aren't the most feminine and the whole time i am worried about looking too manish. so its a losing battle. i can wear something pretty and girly and feel insecure, or wear a pair of jeans that are comforting but make me feel manly and insecure. in the end, i always feel insecure.
i guess another thing i don't like about my legs are the shapes of my knees. i once had a friend tell me my knee caps look like lions (weird, i know ha!) and ever since then i have been weird about my knees showing. i worry they are too saggy, too crooked, and too wobbly and boney. sometimes i stare at them stretched out in front of me and pull and push the skin and bones around trying to imagine what my knees would look like after surgery. of course i wont get reconstructive knee surgery but the thoughts always in my mind.
but after starting to write this post (i actually began it last week) i did something unheard of. i wore a dress. not once. not twice. but three times. in ONE week! and not only that but i wore a pair of shorts twice. five days last week i was wearing an article of clothing that showed my saggy knees and chicken legs. five days i didn't second guess myself in the mirror as i stood there stressed out beyond belief at the pale logs coming from my waist. i rejected the negative thoughts that flowed through my mind as i looked down at them while driving around.
i know it doesn't seem like much but to me it feels huge. because when i walked across campus in my dress and cowboy boots i felt good. dare i say, cute?
its one step in the right directions and hopefully the legs that will carry my to the finish line can be legs that i one day come to love and can show off unashamed.